The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Sunday, August 08, 2010

the spy who loved me

Vladimir Putin was alone in his office with his number one agent Evgenia Tarasova.
"Alright," he demanded. "Now tell me everything you learnt from Heelers."
Evgenia looked away demurely.
"You know he predicted that you would attack Georgia in 2008 six months before you actually did," she murmured.
"Yes, yes, yes," barked Putin, "I know all that."
"Well he's been working on a theory that you're essentially a psychopath resovietising Russia," continued Evgenia distantly. "He believes you're going to annex countries on Russia's borders by installing pro Russian electoral candidates in their governments sponsored by George Soros. He says you're destabilising those countries through covert assassinations. He suggests the process is already observable in Latvia, Poland, Ukraine and possibly Kyrgyzstan. He thinks you've probably tried the same thing in Georgia."
"Keen ell," muttered Vladimir Putin.
"He thinks," went on Evgenia, "that you're trying to farm Muslim terror as an instrument of Russian policy. He likens your actions in aiding Iran's nuclear programme to those of Stalin before World War Two when Stalin helped Hitler raise his first standing army in contravention of the Treaty Of Versailles. The first German Nazi army was raised with Russian Communist Party collusion on Russian soil, you will remember. Heelers believes your alliance with the Arabs and the Iranians is likenable to Stalin's secret pre war memorandum of understanding with Hitler. He believes you helped Saddam Hussein transfer his chemical and biological weapons to Syria and Lebanon, prior to the American liberation of Iraq. He believes the Arabs and Iranians will use Russia and then seek to devour her as the Nazis once did. He believes your alliance with Islamism like Stalin's early alliance with Hitler will result in the deaths of many many Russians. He doesn't believe Russia will be destroyed, mind. At that stage he thinks the Russian people will wipe the floor with the Arabs just as they did with the Nazis. But he thinks that Russian victory will be in spite of Russia's government not because of it. Just like our victory in World War Two, he maintains. He also believes that having buried the Arabs, the Russian people will bury you."
"Keen ell," gasped Vladimir Putin.
"He believes the Chinese Communist government is behind the Maoist conquest of Nepal," recalled Evgenia dreamily. "He attributes the attempted Maoist rising in India to the Chinese as well. He postulates that North Korea is being run by the Chinese Communist party as an unofficial province of China with the specific aim of unsettling civilised free countries in the region on China's borders, and allaying the envy and aspiration ordinary Chinese people might otherwise feel for their democratic neighbours such as Taiwan, Japan, the Philippines and South Korea. Those countries are less attractive to ordinary Chinese since they are continually being threatened with nuclear anihilation by the North Koreans. He rejects the Steyn doctrine which predicts a Chinese incursion into Russia's Siberian and far eastern territories. Heelers does not believe the Chinese will willingly make war with Russia. He believes you and the Chinese have been cooperating in devising vexatious impediments to the development of free nations anywhere on earth, especially Africa and South America."
"Keen ell," burst out Vladimir Putin with an air of finality. "Right on every count. What were the odds of that?"

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What does "Keen Ell" mean?
Avid Fan

5:53 AM  
Blogger heelers said...

"Keen ell" is London Cockney for "f--king hell." It is President Putin's favoured profanity at informal gatherings.

5:55 AM  

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