could you work at CNN?
(Take the Heelers Diaries challenge and find out.)
***
CNN Job Interview Questions.
1. Are you Gloria Venderbilt's son? If yes, congratulations, you're Anderson Cooper and you're hired. Otherwise go on to Question Two.
2. Have you ever engaged in sexual pecadillos with a man called Ted Turner? If yes, you're Meghan Whatsername and sundry other CNN faux hotties, and you're hired. If no, go on to Question Three.
3. Did you, as editor of the British newspaper styling itself The Daily Mirror, ever knowingly publish fake photos of fake British troops falsely depicting them urinating on fake Afghans, while you at the same time were routinely hacking into the phones of private citizens, and using the financial pages of your newspaper to gerrymander the British Stock Exchange? If yes, you're Piers Morgan, and you're hired. Otherwise go on to Question Four.
4. Did you, as editor of a magazine styling itself Newsweek, attempt to win the War On Terror for the Jihadis by knowingly printing a false story about false American military personnel flushing false Qurans down false toilets? If yes, you're Fareed Zakaria and you're hired. If no, go on to Question Five.
5. Did you as programme producer at the Irish national television station styling itself RTE, knowingly rush to broadcast a false story, falsely claiming that a priest whom you named and footage of whom you aired to an audience of hundreds of thousands, had raped a girl in Africa and had fathered a child with that girl, did you disseminate that false story on radio and television even after the priest had offered to take a paternity test, and did you deliberately promote your false story without giving the priest time to refute it, with the express purpose (unsuccessful) of precipitating the priest's suicide and an additional purpose (successful) of inciting public hatred against the Catholic Church? If yes to all these egregious crimes, you're hired. If no, f--k off.
***
CNN Job Interview Questions.
1. Are you Gloria Venderbilt's son? If yes, congratulations, you're Anderson Cooper and you're hired. Otherwise go on to Question Two.
2. Have you ever engaged in sexual pecadillos with a man called Ted Turner? If yes, you're Meghan Whatsername and sundry other CNN faux hotties, and you're hired. If no, go on to Question Three.
3. Did you, as editor of the British newspaper styling itself The Daily Mirror, ever knowingly publish fake photos of fake British troops falsely depicting them urinating on fake Afghans, while you at the same time were routinely hacking into the phones of private citizens, and using the financial pages of your newspaper to gerrymander the British Stock Exchange? If yes, you're Piers Morgan, and you're hired. Otherwise go on to Question Four.
4. Did you, as editor of a magazine styling itself Newsweek, attempt to win the War On Terror for the Jihadis by knowingly printing a false story about false American military personnel flushing false Qurans down false toilets? If yes, you're Fareed Zakaria and you're hired. If no, go on to Question Five.
5. Did you as programme producer at the Irish national television station styling itself RTE, knowingly rush to broadcast a false story, falsely claiming that a priest whom you named and footage of whom you aired to an audience of hundreds of thousands, had raped a girl in Africa and had fathered a child with that girl, did you disseminate that false story on radio and television even after the priest had offered to take a paternity test, and did you deliberately promote your false story without giving the priest time to refute it, with the express purpose (unsuccessful) of precipitating the priest's suicide and an additional purpose (successful) of inciting public hatred against the Catholic Church? If yes to all these egregious crimes, you're hired. If no, f--k off.
posted by heelers | 10:06 PM
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