The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, July 30, 2012

sapiens dominabitur astris

Coffee with Basil Exposition in the White Water Centre.
"There has to be more Heelers," says Basil. "It's just not like you. I know you think there's a threat to the world from Muslims. I know you've tried to warn people about the Muslim Jihadis attacking Russia, China, India and any number of countries. Still I've never heard you say to one: Get out of my country."
"Ah I've said it alright Basil. I said it after they killed 150 Russian school children at Beslan. I've probably said it at other times too."
"I've never heard you say it. Admit it. There's more to this."
I grinned ruefully.
"There is more Basil. But it's too embarassing. It's too humiliating. It's too silly. Look.. You know that for the past eleven years the Black Jacket Muslim Gang has been asserting itself ever more aggressively on the streets of Dublin. You know they've targeted me."
"I know you say they have."
"Well listen. A few years ago, whenever I went into the toilets at the Ilac Shopping Centre on Henry Street, the toilet attendant would go to his cublicle work station and trigger the smoking alarm. The smoking alarm is a klaxon with a loud voice that says: No cigarettes are permitted here, security staff have been alerted."
"Ah Heelers."
"No listen. I formed the opinion after a few test runs that this was definitely happening every time I entered the toilet in the Ilac Centre. I also formed the opiinion that either the toilet attendant was a Black Jacket Muslim or he was a friend of some Black Jacket Muslims. So I just stopped going in to the Ilac Centre for a few years. Now a few days ago I went back. I used the toilets several times with no ill effects. On Friday I went into the toilets. There were a few Muslims standing at the cublicles and I'm telling you they looked up and leered as I came in. These weren't your average suit and tie Mussies. These were real Krenoid Muslims. They looked like something the cat had dragged in before getting her head hacked off."
"What's a Krenoid Muslim?" wondered Basil wearily and warily.
"The Krenoid was an alien plant life form that killed people in a 1970s episode of the British atheistic science fiction television series Doctor Who."
"Doctor Who's an atheist is he Heelers?"
"He is. And I believe that some of Richard Dawkins pals working as scriptwriters engaged in a conspiracy to use the series to culturally atheise a generation of young people in Britain. Dawkins is married to Lala Ward who played the sexy warrior woman Leela in Doctor Who. She now illustrates some of Dawkins' books. You gotta look for the seam lines. The connections are there. But that's another story. Just listen will you. The Krenoid Muslims looked at me. And right that moment the smoke alarm triggered. I just got on with my pissing and left. Now on Saturday I decided, well why not go into the toilet at the Ilac Centre again just to establish once and for all if I'm imagining things. To be honest I've never been fully sure whether I'm a paranoid nut job or not. But I reckoned if the smoke alarm went off again, then this timeI would consider that as ontological proof that, one, I've been marked for attention by the Muslims. And, two, their influence extends over the present toilet attendant in the Ilac Centre. I walked into the toilet. At the outer door a Muslim Arab looked at me and looked down quickly. As I entered the toilet area, the broom from the oriental toilet attendant was clattering to the floor. He'd literally sprinted for his work station having been alerted by text by the Muslim outside. And the smoke alarm rang out loud and clear and true. I waited outside the cubicle for the oriental toilet attendant to emerge."
"Oriental Heelers. Not Muslim."
"Indonesian and Malaysian Mussies look oriental. But he doesn't have to be Muslim to be cooperating with Muslims in the low level harassment of Irish people. Anyway the oriental toilet attendant came out and looked a bit shook when he saw me. I asked him in a loud voice why the alarm was ringing. He shrugged. And he smiled. I asked again a little louder. He said: Is smoke alarm. I went through the motions. Why is the smoke alarm going off every time I come in here? Where's the manager? He did some more shugging and smiling and said: Manager is Andrew; Is his day off. I did a bit more shouting. He  was actually walking around me in a circle, smirking. I demanded that he stop circling me. I walked to the door. He followed me out and went over to the Muslim Arab who had signalled my approach. As I walked away the oriental said: Sir sir this is Manager. I called back with all the grandeur of an offended Mini Mouse: You're a disgrace. Twenty minutes later I was engaged in the light hearted discourse with the proselysing Muslims outside the GPO on O'Connell Street that I've told you about already. There you go Basil. You were right. There was more to the story."
At that moment Basil's mobile phone rang with its famous irritating sonic tremulo.
"Sorry Heelers I'd better take this," he said apologetically reaching for the phone. "Hello Austin. No I'm busy. No, I don't care if Doctor Evil is on the loose and threatening a new and more dastardly plan to destroy the world. It will have to wait. I'm in a meeting with Heelers. I'll call you later."
He hung up and looked across at me waiting expectantly for some further life affirming insight into the serenely beautiful and cosmically peaceful religion of Islam.
"There's worse things out there than Doctor Evil," I mused staring into the middle distance.

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