The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, July 26, 2013

all shites on the western front

Reichskanzellor Enda Kenny strolled through the corridors of the Irish parliament.
His bright blue shirt had been recently starched as had his hair.
The Irish National Anthem, a traditional air entitled Kinky Boots, was playing on the intercom.
The killing of unborn children had just been legalised.
All was right with the world.
Enda Kenny hummed along with the national anthem and sang a few bars absently as he walked.
"All we've got are kinky boots, kinky boots, kinky boots."
He smiled contentedly to himself.
A weak vapid vascillatory hairstyle of a man, yet master of all he surveys.
In the throne room, his ministers sat bolt upright hearing his approach.
"Here come dah Fuhrer," exclaimed Re-education Minister Herrless Ruairi Quinn.
The door opened and after some high comedy with the Sieg Heiling, each one Sieg Heiling the Fuhrer, then turning towards his neighbour to Sieg Heil, and then turning towards the mirror for a few more Sieg Heils, and one guy getting Sieg Heiled in the eye, and the tea lady dropping a tray to Sieg Heil, all very merry, after some genuine farce of this nature, and more shuffling and huffling and scraping of chairs, the Fuhrer was seated and official government business could commence.
"Ze first order of business Mein Fuhrer," intoned Reichsminister Alan Shatter, passing a document across the table. "I have here the final solution to the Catholic Problem."
Enda Kenny read the document.
"You propose to require all Catholics working in the Civil Service to take an oath of loyalty to the State," he murmured.
"Jawohl Mein Fuhrer," affirmed Alan Shatter.
"Excellent," rasped Enda Kenny a bit like a Germanic Mr Burns. "Vee haff closed Ireland's embassy to ze Vatican. Re-education Minister Herrless Ruairi Quinn is seizing Catholic Church run schools. We are turning ze screws in our shakedown of ageing nuns and monks. Our plans to close the Church through the courts are proceeding with ever new contrivancies of wrong doing retrospectively attributed to Catholics for their running of care facilities for indigent women. Ze poor Catholic fools. Zey give zere lives in service to the nation and we casually criminalise them in their old age. Ah yes. Ze Magdalen Laundries shakedown is our cleverest yet. Blame ze church which was the only force in Irish society helping such women. It's hilarious. And ze peasants vill swallow it hook, line and sinker. We are also proceeding apace with our Symphisiotomy racket. Oh zat is a sweet deal. Ze symphisotomy was at one time considered safer than a caesarean section for pregnant women. But who's to know the difference when we claim that symphisiotomies were carried out by evil Catholics in order to discourage the use of contraception. It's even more hilarious zan ze Magdalen Launderies shakedown. And just to silence the women whose lives were saved by symphisiotomy operations, we tell them zey are victims. Yes victims. Und venn zey say 'but, but, but, the doctor saved my life,' we tell zem that vee are giffing them five hundred grand each in compensation for their victimhood. Zat vill soon shut zem up. Zey vill all be saying 'Er yeah, maybe I was a victim.' Vee haff forced every Catholic Church in the land to display a notice implying that every priest is a ticking time bomb child abuser just itching to commit sex abuse. Ze Churches must display zese notices advising ze public zat in ze event zat zey are sexually molested by one of zese ticking time bomb priests, zey should call ze health board or ze cops. Vee haff done ziss knowing full well zat zere is a far greater likelihood that people will be abused by health board workers or ze cops, or Irish Times sports writers or politicians like us, than by priests. Vee haff done it to create a presumption of guilt. Excelllllllent Herr Reichsmarschall. Ziss new measure, the oath of loyalty, will force people to assume that Catholics are inherently disloyal to ze nation. It's a stone groove baby. Ein reich. Ein yolk. Ein fuhrer. Sieg heil. Sieg heil. Sieg heil."
When the renewed and very merry theatrical business with the Sieg Heiling ceased, the meeting moved on once more.
Reports were presented of the current dispositions of the Fuhrer's armies.
"Where is Kampfgruppe Philip Hogan?" enquired Enda Kenny.
"Zey are cut off in a luxury hotel in Brazil," explained the Reichsmarschall.
"You tzink they vill commit suicide to save face?" wondered the Fuhrer.
"I think there's more chance that the staff at the hotel will do that," ventured the Reichsmarschall.
The Nazis fell around the table laughing.
They looked like nothing so much as the robots from the 1974 For Mash Get Smash ad for mashed potatos.
Their laughter was broken off by an exclamation from the far end of the table.
"Never mind about Hogan, what about ze fate of Oberkommando Das Allied Irish Banks, my brother Lochlainn's bank?" enquired Re-education Minister Herrless Ruairi Quinn.
"Vee haff purchased ze worthless bankrupt Allied Irish Banks for ten billion dollars of public money,," Enda Kenny assured him.
"Danke Mein Fuhrer, vielen danke," purred Ruairi Quinn.
"Not at all," said Enda Kenny, "it vas a pleasure."
"Army Group Independent Newspapers is experiencing some difficulties repaying their bank loans," ventured Heinrich Michael Noonan.
"Vee haff already cancelled half a billion dollars of Independent Newspapers debt," said Enda Kenny smoothly. "Ze rest vill be cancelled at an appropriate time, ie whenever no one's looking. Ze proprietors of Independent Newspapers, ie our supporters the billionaires Denis O'Brien and Tony O'Reilly vill not be required to pay a red cent. Nyah ha ha Gee Force."
The meeting turned to other business.
"Colonel General Denis O'Brien has been impugned by a Judge we don't control, and accused of subverting Reichsbollochs Michael Lowry with bribes to obtain licences for State mobile phone contracts worth billions of Marks," noted Reichsmarschall Alan Shatter.
"Oh Reichsmarschall Shatter you loveable goon," smiled the Fuhrer indulgently, knowing full well that the competitive nature of Nazi politics always involved one favourite trying to undermine another.
"But vot vill vee do about zese horrifying revelations regarding Colonel General Denis O'Brien's corruption?" persisted Reichsmarschall Shatter peevishly yet daringly enough.
"Vee will do nothing," pronounced the Fuhrer decisively.
The Nazis fell around laughing like robots from 1974 once more.
Seated near the door, a lowly Feldwebel called Tom Barry sensed now was a good time to clutch the buttock of a Feldhure called Aine Collins.
He latched on to the buttock and the Feldhure responded as Feldhures do, by simpering and giggling and wriggling against him.
It was all classy classy stuff by the men and Feldhures who had just legalised the murder of unborn children in Ireland.

And so it went on.
The bit about the oath of loyalty isn't a joke by the way.
And the rest of it is closer to the truth than anyone dreams.


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