The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, June 07, 2014

the local yokel

Ooh arrh. Kilcullen is looking fine in this warm Spring weather. To be sure. To be sure. Ooh arrh. Ooh arrh. The gentleness of the season lifts the hearts of all and sundry. The new leaves rustling on the trees and the glorious splash of sunshine on the paves leave the dourest among us full of the joys. Oooh arrh. From young to old with a small detour via middle age, every generation wears a smile. Sometimes it is more than I can manage to resist singing Zippedeedoodah out my oooh arhhh. Truly none of us are unaffected by this mellow climate. Even the drug dealers are only dealing their milder poisons to the teens and pre teens. The murderous Dublin crime barons are rescheduling their rapes and murders for a few weeks down the line. The young thugs carrying out what they romantically style punishment beatings in the Valley almost seem to be pulling their punches a little. The peacefulness and tranquility of the burgeoning Spring in Kilcullen are kissed with a savour of paradise. One almost expects to hear the Choric Song of the Lotos Eaters ring out on the evening air above the hideous screams and drunken shrieks of ganglands' favourite sons. Oooh arrh ooh arrh. Interestingly enough Kilcullen continues to buck the trend nationwide for collapsing property prices. Our quiet little backwater has become much sought after among the more salubrious members of the Audi A4 gang. In fact, real estate brochures now advertise Kilcullen as THE NEW MOYROSS - EVERYTHING A RETIRING GANGSTER AND NOT SO RETIRING GANGSTER COULD NEED. Turning our town into a gangster enclave like Moyross in Limerick City is surely a touch of genius by the powers that be in these harsh recessionary times. How better to ensure a prosperous future for our sons and daughters than to hand over our town to the scum of the earth. You gotta invest in the growth industries and that means rape, murder, drug dealing, people trafficking and blue movies. Ooh arrh. Thankfully amid the chaos of a country going down the tubes, Kilcullen people can sleep easy in their beds with only the occasional good natured dollop of psychoticised mayhem to break the monotony of these our salad days. Sure sometimes you'd almost feel like thanking the criminal classes for helping vary the monotony of this blooming sunshine. Thankfully too our heroes of law enforcement labour selflessly to ensure that most of us live lives of carefree bliss. No bent coppers here. You could amost kiss them they're so honest. Although I'm reliably informed that some welcome such approaches more than others. Oooooooh arrrhhh Missus. Of course Kilcullen people have been thrilled and not a little flattered by the announcement that TV detectives Jessica Fletcher, Colombo, Barnaby Jones and Joe Mannix have all bought retirement homes in the area. It's not just gangsters who appreciate the chance to retire to a quiet village after a lifetime laying waste the city of Dublin. Oooh arrh ooh arrh. But what's the betting that before long Jessica, Colombo, Barnaby, and Mannix won't be able to resist turning their hands to solving a few crimes while they're here, just to keep their eye in so to speak. That should put the cat among the pigeons. I mean hoodlums. Ooh arrh indeed.


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