The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

the local yokel

Oooh arrhhhh. These be fine Summery eveings for the middle of Autumn right enough. I'm not complaining mind. But where will it all end? Dere's dem dat says the climate is changing. But most of dose are tree huggers who stayed hugging the same tree for too long. And anyway, a change is as good as a rest, as the President of the World Bank said to the Chairman of Amnesty International whenthe Chairman of Amnesty International decided to campaign in favour of the murder of unborn children. Oooh arrh, ooh arrh, oooooh arrrh.
Thankfully the police have just released figures saying that the crime rate has fallen sharply in the last month. Of course in the full twenty years before the last month, the crime rate had been soaring continually, year on year, month on month, week on week, day on ephin day.
Obviously the hoodlums, druggies, rapists and murderers of Kilcullen had been overworked inflicting mayhem on the entire country. Under Ireland's strict labour laws, these gangland psychos are entitled to holidays too. Hence the sudden drop in crime. Also some of the cops whose job it is to write down the crimes (not solve them mind) were on holiday for the past month as well.
This led to a double dip in the crime figures.
So crime is falling and everybody wins, as the actress said to the bishop.
Oooh Arrhh, what a great relief for those of us being robbed, murdered, assaulted and raped constantly in the streets of Kilcullen and every other town in Ireland, to know that the crime figures are falling. And how reassuring it is to see local coppers quaffing coffees in local cafes while local hoodlums continue to operate unopposed almost everywhere else. If the gangs ever decide to strike in a cafe they're certainly all going to get caught. Or at least treated to a round of free coffees. Oooh arrrhh indeed.

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