The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, June 03, 2015

ireland under the nazi's

Ireland's Prime Minister Enda Kenny is reclining in his office. The armchair is plush. The boots are on the table. All seems right with the world.
Enda Kenny is singing to himself the country's new national anthem.
"Feelings," sings the Fuhrer, "nothing more than feelings, trying to forget you, but feelings are my life. Teardrops, nothing more than teardrops. But if you feel like performing sex acts with someone of the same gender and calling it a marriage, what the hey, knock yourself out..."
A tear stings the Fuhrer's eye.
He is at heart a sentimental man.
"Zat Johnny Mathis ist ein great crooner," he muses.
There comes a loud hammering on the plush oak door.
"Mein Fuhrer, mein Fuhrer!" exclaims Gauleiter Eamon Gilmore bursting in.
(He's bursting into the room, not into the song - Ed note)
The Fuhrer looks appropriately bemused at the Ed note, and beckons his lackey to continue.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Von Gilmore breathlessly, "A spiv parvenu called Willie Walshe wants to take over the national airline. What shall we do?"
Enda Kenny smiles.
"We shall let him," he proclaims grandly. "If Willie Walshe wants to own an airline company, what right have we to deny him? If Willie Walshe looks into his heart and sincerely believes he should be allowed to own a company that generations of Irish people built up together, why then he must be permitted to fulfil himself in that way. What right have any of us to tell anyone else what to do? And what right have any of us to deny white collar criminal (and Fine Gael financier) Denis O'Brien the right to receive one percent interest rates instead of eight percent on the 500 hundred million dollars he owes a gangster bank courtesy of former Fine Gael leader Alan Dukes? What right have we to deny Sean Quinn and his IRA gangster family the right to regain control over his IRA proxy companies with the help of Fine Gael Councillor John McCartin, the same companies, by ze way, and the same Quinns who systematically burglarised that same gangster bank through illegal billion dollar loans from their IRA accomplices in the bank's management and then looted the treasury with the connivance of now conveniently deceased Fianna Fail Finance Minister Brian Lenihan to cover up their thievery, and in so doing placed Ireland in the Third World overnight? We must respect the rights of Denis O'Brien and your own old friends in ze Rah to do whatever zey like to ziss country. Ein reich. Ein volk. Ein Mafia!"
Eamon Gilmore nods soberly.
The Fuhrer is always at his most convincing when he is declaiming piously the need to become utterly depraved.
A thought strikes the Gauleiter.
"But what if Willie Walshe decides he wants to marry an aeroplane?" he wonders.
There is a pregnant pause.
"We will have to hold a referendum for that," answers Enda Kenny with a wry smile.


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