The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

a short satire on the irish national broadcaster RTE's organisation and reportage of commemorations of the 1916 rising

Honorable Leader Padraic Pearse he no likee Blitish empire long time. He great man. He show impeliasts the door. He shoot Blits. Hooray for Padlaic Pearse. Most Irish people say no shootee Blitz our sons are in Blitish army but Padraic Pearse he shootee Blits anyway. He glate man. He do what he want when he want. Glate example to Ireland and to all human lace. Hurray for Harold Lloyd, I mean Padraic Pearse. When his own terrorist movement said no shootee Blitz because people don't want levolution, noble and perfect Helmsman Padraic Pearse say what do people know, they bunch of proles, and he kidnap leader of his own terrorist movement and he shootee Blits anyway so that wonderful Irish people can be flee. He leading Ireland into glate future. All hail Padraic  Pearse. Ten thousand years to Padraic Pearse. The people of North Korea, I mean Ireland, are forever in your death mighty Chairman Pearse. Through your noble vision we have become a free nation ruled by drug gangs the successors of your own secret brotherhood of glorious murderers. Power springs from the barrel of a gun. Happiness is a warm trade union. All hail the gunmen who set us free from archaic Christian religion and outmoded imperialistic notions about the sanctity of life and love of neighbour. Pooh to the superstitions of the papist clique. All hail the dynamiters. All hail Karl Marx. All hail James Connolly. Death to all who dare deny our glateness. The people of China, I mean Ireland, love their beloved leader Pallaic Pearse. All hail the glorious revolution which has turned Russia, I mean Ireland, into the paradise of the workers where IRA rackateers control trade unions and where 167 tram drivers can paralyse the city of Dublin in order to seek thoroughly frivolous pay rises on their already exorbitant wages. Just like the glorious bus drivers. And the glorious teachers. All hail our glorious leader Padraic Pearse for making Ireland a land fit for IRA rackateers to enslave the peasantry with glorious addictions to drugs and the subversion of the trade union movement and the hijacking of the judiciary. Let none question our glorious leader. Every citizen has the right to be addicted to drugs and to pay high taxes to fund ridiculous wages for IRA controlled professions. All hail the lackateers. All hail our glorious leader. Death to all who would have an Ireland that is not dominated by gunmen. All hail mighty Pearse. All hail. All hail Chairman Pearse. The capitalist roaders have been put to flight. The free people of Cambodia, I mean Zimbabwe, I mean Cuba, I mean insert name of country that has been enslaved for a hundred years to the fetish of bloodletting Marxian socialist revolution here, I mean Ireland, have learned through your holy zeal and faith in mass killing and socialist programming that once you start murdering you just can't stop. Mighty Pearse you loved to kill and now your children are coming into your legacy. Your cultural revolution will blood new generations with glorious IRA drug dealing techniques and groovy environmental five year plans. All hail wind farms. All hail Chairman Pearse, and all the old killers whose memory will never grow dim no matter how we airbrush their love of slaughter. All hail. All hail. All hail oh inspired master. You saw through the deceptions of evil imperialistic oppressive Hebrew Ten Commandments and silly Thou Shalt Not Kill superstitions. You gave us the true path. A shining path. A path that has brought us the glories of Michael D Higgins, the glories of Enda Kenny, the glories of abortion, the glories of euthanasia, the glories of a suiciding peasantry, the glories of the Provisional IRA, the Continuity IRA, the Real IRA, the New IRA, the Vaguely Heterosexual IRA, and our true enlightened rulers in the Kinahane skang gang, the Hutch skang gang, the McCarthy Dundon skang gang, and serial killer Larry Murphy's family coven skang gang. All hail noble Padraic Pearse. Death to all who would question the revolution of 1916. Death to all who do not wish to finance RTE's holy agenda through a compulsory licence fee. Death to all who wish a reasoned discussion on the revolution of Padraic Pearse and his fellow holy murderers. Death to all who want free speech. No free speech for those we deem traitors. Death to all who believe in the Hebrew God. Death to all who advocate love of neighbour. You will not hold us back. Ireland is free. Free at last. Free to impoverish its citizens by forcing them to bail out an IRA controlled front operation styled Anglo Irish Bank. This is the true freedom that noble Leader Padraic Pearse has given us. On your knees slaves. Allah u akbar. Allah u akbar. Allah u akbar. Ein reich, ein volk, ein fuhrer. Land. Peace. Bread.

(Fade out to sound of Benny Hill music.)


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