The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

My Photo
Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

greatest irish stand up comedians of our time

Judge Kevin O'Higgins: "Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre. I was conducting an enquiry into corruption allegations against ex Chief Of Police Martin Callanan and ex Minister For Justice Alan Shatter. So I decided to declare that neither Martin Callanan or Alan Shatter are corrupt."
Audience: "Ha, ha, ha, ha."
Judge Kevin O'Higgins: "And because people would have risen up in arms if I'd slandered the honest police officer who exposed Martin Callanan and Alan Shatter's corruption, I declared that the honest police officer wasn't corrupt either, just prone to exaggeration."
Audience: "Wa. ha, ha, ha, ho,  ho, ho, hee, hee, heeeeeeeeeee."
Judge Kevin O'Higgins: "Thank you ladies and gentlemen. You're too kind. Well that's all from me. I'm off to spend my mafia bribes. Ha, ha, ha. Why aren't you laughing? Anyhoo. Our next comedian is a fine up and coming mafioso who's showing great promise in ending the rule of law in the Republic Of Ireland. Give a big round of applause to Get Out Of Jail Free Card himself, Judge Martin Nolan."
(Judge Martin Nolan enters to stony silence.)
Judge Martin Nolan: "Katanga ladies and germs. Katanga. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre. I was presiding over the trial of four IRA embezzlers who single handedly put Ireland in the Third World overnight by systematically looting their own bank through illegal billion dollar loans to IRA capo Sean Quinn. So I lectured the Jury along the lines of how entitled to a fair trial these nation impoverishing IRA mafiosi were. And the irony is, I'm the Judge who jailed a fruit importer for six and a half years for mislabelling garlic as apples..."
(Still the audience is silent.)
Judge Martin Nolan: "Oh pooh to you. You'll all be sorry one day. You don't get away with ruining a Judge Martin Nolan routine by not laughing. Somehow, someday, someone is gonna pay. Nobody but nobody ----s with the Rah."
(He exits. IRA Archbishop Diarmuid Martin inches on stage, not too sure of the crowd's mood.)
Archie: "Er. we have to unite to fight against mafia activity?"
(Audience explodes with laughter. Ireland dies.)


Post a Comment

<< Home