The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, June 06, 2016

our television listings

(Ireland's State run television company financed by compulsory taxation on the peasantry and run by IRA leftist atheistic abortionists against the bomb (I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns) so that government by the Bolshevicks, for the Bolshevicks and of the Bolshevicks shall not pass from this earth. We're all farm animals keeping these skangers in new BMW's. Seriously though. They're doing a wonderful job.)

9.00 Archie and Hutch. Remake of 1970's cop show with a modern twist. Archbishop Diarmuid Martin starts a second career as a New York police officer and is paired with psycho gangster Shiteface Hutch. The fun starts when they get a tip off from the new Huggy Bear character, a South American socialist called Huggie Pope. that the Catholic church is being hijacked by Bolshevick Jesuits who've gone rogue. Far fetched. But some likeable cameos.
10.00 Murder She Wrote. Jessica is arrested after Sheriff  Teasle realises that everywhere she's been for the past twenty years, there is at least one murder per week... An RTE interviewer actually tried to use this joke on the actress Angela Lansbury when she was in Ireland a few months ago. The RTE interviewer said: "Angela I've been told to be careful because every where you go there is at least one murder a week." Well folks. Now I know how Eddie Murphy feels when white folks (not Gerry Adams obviously) come out of his stage shows and try to tell his jokes to their friends at home. As Eddie puts it: "Don't you all go out there saying: He's so funny. He said: The black man has a big d-ck. It was hilarious. Just you all leave that sh-t alone." Still kind of reassuring that I still have readers in RTE. Wouldn't it be fun if some of the plagiaristic schlubbs were so influenced by me that instead of lifting and destroying my endlessly recurring joke about Angela Lansbury, they might actually defend the life of the unborn child, or oppose Jihad, or advocate the duty of all human beings to turn to God, or express an honest opinion about anything that wasn't formulated for them first by a secret brotherhood of evil! We live in hope.
11.00 Friends. Rachel marries Brad Pitt but he leaves her for Angelina Jolie who then mutilates herself because some idiot doctor told her she might get cancer. These people need to go to church.
12.00 Midday News. Read by Joe Stalin.
1.00 Ramadan Meditiations. I'm not joking. RTE is broadcasting these. They love the smell of Islam in the morning.
2.00 Judge Jihadi. New Muslim friendly version of Judge Judy.
3.00 The Bourne Identity. Film. Secret agent Jason Bourne finds himself working as an Irish Judge giving get out of jail free cards to IRA gang bangers. The plot concerns his attempts to regain his memory and to figure out why the Irish have handed over their country to the blah, blah, blah.
6.00 The Anschluss. Nightly celebration of Ireland's union with the Caliphate.
7.00 Current Affairs With Miriam O'Callaghan. Investigative journalism at its leggiest. She just keeps waving them in the camera. It's like aversion therapy. And have you seen the character on TV3, trying to do the exact same thing? Same intonation, same faux piety, same Kenny Everett style thunder thighs. At least Kenny Everett was funny. Mercy. Please. Tonight's instalment probes the corrupt commissioning process for programme making at RTE and examines how a high profile presenter can effectively double job by gettting paid to work full time at RTE while her husband charges RTE for programmes featuring her but made by his independent production company, and then how when the scam runs out of steam, that same husband can get a job in RTE as commissioning editor for new programming.
9.00 Evening News. Read by Chairman Mao. Round up of the day's general strikes involving 150 tram drivers holding the country to ransom and the latest court decisions releasing mobsters onto our streets.
10.00 UEFA Football Live. Commentators John Giles and Eamon Dunphy examine hoodlum Fifa chief Sepp Blatter's ongoing attempts to evade justice. There will be coverage of actual football games complete with Jihadi attacks if there's time.
11.00 The James Healy Comedy Hour. Featuring my excellent impressions of John Giles and Eamon Dunphy. I knew Eamon Dunphy's daughter Maia years ago. I mean I was in a play with her once. She was absolutely luminous.
12.00 Midnight Closedown. They'll never close down. Not while we're paying their bills.


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