The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, April 10, 2017

the dead parrot sketch

Scene: A dingy pet shop. Tony O'Reilly, former proprietor of the Independent Newspapers group, is behind the counter. Enter Denis O'Brien, the new proprietor of Independent Newspapers, stage left. Denis O'Brien is holding a bird cage. The cage contains a parrot made out of old newspapers.

Tony O'Reilly: Morning Guv.

Denis O'Brien: (Holding up the cage.) Ere! That newspaper group I wrested control of from you, is dead.

Tony O'Reilly: No it isn't.

Denis O'Brien: Look at it. It's just like a dead parrot made out of old Evening Heralds and Sunday Worlds. Look. His face is a mast head from the Irish Independent. He's useless.

Tony O'Reilly: No mate. That newspaper group is in the prime of its 'ealth.

Denis O'Brien: It's as dead as the dodo.

Tony O'Reilly: Not a bit of it. It's brimming with life. Look. Coo eee. Chirpy, chirpy, cheap, cheap. (He makes bird sounds into the cage with emphasis on the cheap.)

Denis O'Brien: I tell you it's dead. There's no advertising. No income stream. No possible reason for it to continue existing.

Tony O'Reilly: You're crazy mate. That newspaper group is efferpheasant with energy. See. There's an Ian O'Doherty TV review. Who's a pretty boy then? And there's an Irish Indo classic from just this week with Martina Devlin saying the Catholic Church has no mandate because only 78 percent of the citizenry self identify in a census as Catholic. Polly want a cracker! Ah. She's luvverly.

Denis O'Brien: Listen here sir. This newspaper group which I stole from you using billion dollar assets I first obtained illegally by bribing government minister Michael Lowry, just as you stole it from whoever controlled it before you using similarly criminally obtained billion dollar assets snaffled courtesy of whoever you were bribing at the time, this newspaper group I tell you is defunct. It is an ex newspaper group. It has no life in it. It has no breath in it. It has nothing going for it. It has no wit. It has no contributors of merit. It has no principles. It has no public standing. It has no insight. It has no integrity. It has no readers. It is the newspaper group that was. It is a former newspaper group. It is an ex newspaper group. It is the ghost of newspaper groups past. It is a newspaper group RIP.

Tony O'Reilly; You got me there Guv. But wasn't it fun while it lasted!

Denis O'Brien: Not really, no.

Tony O'Reilly: Oh right. I remember.


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