and finally

The musician Jona Lewie who promised in his 1982 Christmas hit song Stop The Cavalry, to stand for election for all Presidencies so that he might abolish war, has been beheaded in Iran after attempting to register to run for the Presidency there. This follows his previous unfortunate experience when he attempted to run for the Presidency in North Korea and was tortured for six months by Kim Jong Un's secret police. In a posthumous tribute, the Swedish furniture store Ikea are now producing a new version of Mr Lewie's other song, the one about always finding him in the kitchen at parties, which will now have the refrain: "You will no longer find him in the kitchen at parties."