the heelers interview with former irish president mary mcaleese

After former President Mary McAleese was reported at various public events over the past few weeks repeatedly referring to Catholic priests as "fake hetero misogynistic homophobic gays," and similar more colloquial slurs implying homosexuality, she agreed to be interviewed for the Heelers diaries to clarify her position.
The following is a transcript of that interview.

James Healy: "You are being widely reported this week as suggesting that people who disagree with your views on the innateness of homosexuality must all be homosexuals."

Mary McAleese: "Yes. They're all secretly homosexual if they don't agree with me. Closet cases every one. Although I prefer the more respectful technical term, arse bandits."

James Healy: "So how do you respond to someone who tells you that there is no scientific indicator or experiential indicator for asserting that homosexuality is an innate naturally occurring phenomenon?"

Mary McAleese: "Fag!"

James Healy: "Ok-a-ay. How do you respond to a person who says they formerly thought they were homosexual, but that they now believe the causality for what they thought arose from confusion at their experience of the popular culture, certain life events, a fraught puberty, and indeed the internal stresses of their own particular family life, and that this image of themselves as being attracted to people of the same gender was temporary and did not continue into their adult life and was not truly who they were or are?"

Mary McAleese: "Gaybos the lot of them."

James Healy: The scientists saying that feminisation of males and masculinisation of females is occurring in the animal kingdom due to chemical factors???"

Mary McAleese: "Bunch of poufters."

James Healy: "The senior executive engineer at Kildare County Council, a mother of three children, who stated that she was concerned children are being exposed in school programmes to speculations about sexual identity before they've had a chance to grow naturally into any sexuality at all, and that the children aren't getting a chance to have a childhood, and that the speculations them're being subjected to may be causing orientations of a homosexual nature?

Mary McAleese: "What a dyke!"

James Healy: "And people who say their own understanding of their own sexual orientation was disrupted through the experience of various forms of abuse in their childhood?"

Mary McAleese: "Shower of queers. They were queer anyway. They need to accept it and stop making excuses. If I say they're queer they're queer."

James Healy: "And when pharmacologists suggest that chemicals in contraceptive pills and growth hormones being introduced to the human food chain by farmers are affecting people's perception of their sexual orientation, do you still say..."

Mary McAleese: "Be-n-n-n-n-nnnders."

James Healy: "And the physicians who confirm parental testimony that exposure from a young age to speculations about sexual identity are leading young people to imagine identities that are not intrinsically who they are?"

Mary McAleese: "Just another self loathing bunch of fairies."

James Healy: "The psychologists asserting that pornography is disrupting people's sexualities? The psychologists saying that the sexualities, self image, and perceived orientation of people of all age groups are being manipulated by cultural factors? The psychologists who say that pornography and the bombardment with sexual images through television, cinema, internet and music videos, are disruptive to the sexual formation of a generation, acting as aversion therapy on some, effectively sterilising others, and making yet more incapable of being at ease in their gender?"

Mary McAleese: "Collossal woopsies."

James Healy: "And the law enforcement professionals who've dealt with drug addicts and have observed that serious drug use can alter perceptions of sexual preference?"

Mary McAleese: "Gay cops. They really give me the willies."

James Healy: "If I said to you that many people go through a phase of thinking they're homosexual. But it is just a phase. What would you say to that?"

Mary McAleese: "I'd say you're a woofter."

James Healy: "But how do you respond if people simply ask you could you be wrong?"

Mary McAleese: "I call em nancy boys."

James Healy: "But could you be wrong?"

Mary McAleese: "Shut up, you lisping queen."

James Healy: "And if I asked you to elaborate on any of the points you've made by giving a scientific or rationally derived justification for your views?"

Mary McAleese: "Pansy."

James Healy: "Er, fine. So it's not just Catholic priests you label homosexual if they disagree with you. It's everyone."

Mary McAleese. "That's right. There's nought as queer as folk who disagree with me."

James Healy: "You're bullying people Mrs McAleese. You know well that males, particularly young males, will simply fall silent if you threaten to call them homosexuals."

Mary McAleese: "You shirt lifting pervert."

James Healy: "And if I say to you that liberal left wing atheistic abortionist contraceptivist journalist Katherine Holmquist wrote in the Irish Times a few years ago stating that "the sexuality is a movable feast," implying that a person's perceptions of sexual preference can change, and are not written in stone..."

Mary McAleese: "Katherine Holmquist is a lesbo dom femme butch sapphic crotch meister."

James Healy: "What do you say to my personal testimony to you that young males can be affected in their self image by bullying? How do you respond to the assertion that the Gay Rights movement of which you are a part has hijacked the bullying issue to promote a lifestyle? How do you  answer the suggestion that by telling kids they're being bullied because they are homosexual you are basically endorsing and compounding the bullies attempts to project their own sexual fears onto other people? Aren't these things worth considering Mrs McAleese?"

Mary McAleese: "Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

James Healy: Mrs McAleese, what do you think of those who have noted a heavily lesbian atmosphere in women's tennis and who have attributed it to the athletes' use of steroids? They say that if steroid use has caused lesbianism in the likes of Billy Jean King, Martina Navratilova et al, then at least in those cases, we can't say that lesbianism is an inherent part of their identity, no more than taking steroids is."

Mary McAleese: "Heelers you never were any good at tennis."

James Healy: "You evil nazi bitch. Take that back. You ****ing ****. You sh*te faced b*st*rding hoor."

Mary McAleese: "Admit it. Your first serve was never any good. And you couldn't play top spin to save your life."

James Healy: "It's true. It's true. Oh boo hoo hoo... (Dabbing his eyes with a silk handkerchief.) Mrs McAleese?"

Mary McAleese: "What?"

James Healy: "Why, in pretending to be an advocate for people who consider themselves homosexual, why I ask, why, do you use the attribution of homosexuality as a weapon to intimidate those who disagree with you? Why do you use the word gay as a pejorative? Why do you use homosexuality as a term of abuse?"

Mary McAleese: "My own son is gay. Who are you to judge me? I love my son. If I have to smash the Catholic Church, and you, and the whole world, I'll do it for him."

James Healy: "You're not helping your son by arrogating to yourself a certainty and an expertise which your views don't merit. Nor are you helping him or anyone else when you attempt to demean and intimidate the best among us, by which I mean priests and the priesthood. In any case, I have to ask, how have you established your understanding of your son's sexual preference and its permanence?"

Mary McAleese: "He asked me for a hoover for Christmas when he was a little boy." (Mrs McAleese has actually stated this in real life.)

James Healy: So all of us should lay aside our own life experience, wisdom, insight, scientific knowledge, consultation with friends, spiritual meditations and reverence for the ancient church and let you decide what the truth is about homosexuality?

Mary McAleese: You should if you don't want me go call you a rump ranger.