a short satire on the reporting style of irish newspapers and broadcasters during the present orchestrated flu virus panic

The death toll from the Corona Virus in Ireland leapt overnight by fifty percent.

An astonishing one person died on Friday bringing the grand total of losses being attributed to the Corona Virus to three.

Maisie Baines was 105 years old and looking forward to her next birthday.

"She had so much to live for," one family member sobbed. "Her birthday was coming up. We were going to get her her first pony."

Maisie was rushed to hospital once her family recognised the Corona Virus symptoms.

"We were visiting her in the nursing where we dumped her twenty years ago," recalled her son George Baines, "and we knew right away what it was. It's just like the flu, only, you know, deadlier."

Maisie was detained in an isolation unit as per Irish hospital protocols for Corona Virus cases. No one was allowed to see her.

Only a churl or James Healy or both would dare to suggest that slamming elderly women with the flu into isolation units and not allowing them any human contact would very likely scare them to death.

That's if you actually believe that health board staff actually feed them in those units.

Fine Gael government Health Minister Simon Harris spoke to reporters outside the hospital where Maisie was killed died.

"Panic, help, call the Feds Ma Kettle," said Mr Harris. "We advise the public that keeping calm is absolutely the wrong thing to do under any circumstances except Jihad, the collapse of immigration law, and the IRA mafia take over of our country."

Vice Prime Minister Simon Coveney was more specific.

"The virus seems to be mocking us," mused Mr Coveney nazily. "It's as though it's always one step ahead of us whatever we do. I'm beginning to suspect that some members of our govenrment may actually be working for the Virus or be Corona Viruses themselves."

Prime Minister Leo Varadkar commented: "We're not going to have a lock down. People needn't be afraid on that score. For a start there are problems with the term lock down. So no lock down. But if you come into the street we'll shoot you."