emergency irish government directive 702BZX on containment of epidemic effective immediately

Padre Donald Baines of Kilcullen is hereby forbidden from making any settlement or payment in kind whatsoever with one James Healy of the 100 Euro owed on their American election bet. The purpose of this directive is to prevent any further spread of the Covid 19 Virus which is known to vector along the song lines emerging from gleeful gamblers exulting in winning a few quid. Also the entire population of Ireland is now for official purposes deemed to be 21 years of age and to have graduated from College in whatever discipline their Kindergarten School teachers think they show(ed) most promise in when they actually are or were 4 years of age. This will avoid a logjam in examinations at school and university level as we continue to cope with the pandemic. It will also save money on the payment of all State pensions none of which will fall due for another fifty years. Furthermore, men's underwear will now be mandatory for women. Women's underwear will be mandatory for men. Underwear will henceforth be worn on the outside so we can check. And finally, the official language of Ireland is hereby declared to be... Swedish. Silence. To abrogate the necessity of complicated new legislation in propagating the introduction of these innovative new life saving laws, the constitution of Ireland will be replaced with a transcript of Woody Allen's film Bananas. The Bananas theme tune Quiero La Noche and its incidental musical themes will be played throughout all government meetings, parliamentary sessions, public gatherings and car chases. The slow versions will be used for love affairs. This order is to take effect immediately.

Es lebe unsere geheimnis Feldwebels.

Signed,

Grand Vizier Leo Varadkar assistant to Michael Martin, Prime Minister of the Republic of Ireland