GOUTMAN TRIUMPHS

 

The Chief of police sat at his desk in his private office on the tenth floor of headquarters.

He'd been looking forward to this moment all day. From his desk he drew a Cadbury's Buttons Chocolate Egg which he'd saved from Easter.

There was a sound as of a silk cape rustling. The Chief looked up and recoiled in surprise.

Goutman was standing directly in front of him all bulging biceps, flapping cape (ah indeed, from thence the rustling sound), and intriguing face mask which managed to show more than it concealed yet somehow remained intriguing.

"Er Goutman," said the Chief. "Er hello, I suppose. Ummm. I thought I asked you to stop showing up in my private office without a prior appointment. Any point in asking how you got in here? No? Alright. Since you're here now. What have you discovered?"

Goutman's answer came in that hoarse dangerous rasping half whisper which has made him the terror of gangland.

"The Glensallagh brand of meats at Lidl supermarket is a very good product, particularly the thich cut rashers and the crumbled ham. Also their own brand chocolate digestive biscuits. Their oatie biscuits. Their shortbread. Oh, and their toilet rolls. But I don't eat the toilet rolls."

The Chief's brow narrowed.

"Er okay."

"There are good pepper steaks at Tesco, two for a fiver and pork chops at six for a fiver. They also have good special offers on mint aeros from time to time, and on dog chewies."

"Goutman I was thinking more of..."

"Derek Nolan meats have specials on their stuffed pork, meat balls and potato au gratin. You can get three of your choice for a tenner. That's effectively three full dinners."

The Chief nodded thoughtfully.

"I think I'm beginning to understand how you got gout." 

"I was bitten by a radioactive pork chop and then my laboratory exploded completing the process. Now whenever I become angry a terrifying metamorphosis occurs."

"Ri-i-i-ght. It's always the radioactive pork chops and the exploding laboratory. Goutman! Goutman? Where did he go? It's very frustrating when he disappears like that. Almost as frustrating as when he appears."

The chief looked around his office.

No sign of entrance or egress.

But on the wall someone had spray painted in large letters:

TRUTH NOW

JUSTICE ALWAYS

GOUTMAN FOREVER

The Chief sighed.

"Now who the heck did that?" he wondered, then turning back to his desk exclaimed: "Hey! Where's my ****ing Easter gug?"