NEWS ROUND UP APRIL 1ST 2021

 

International pharmaceutical companies styling themselves Pfizer and Astrazeneca are to be disbanded under anti trust legislation after worldwide public uproar about their use of murdered babies as ingredients in vaccines.

"We're finished," said a Pfizer spokesman. "The screwballs have spoken."

The vaccines synthesised or tested using cells from unborn children murdered through abortion, effectively cannibalise anyone who takes them. That is to say a person taking the vaccine becomes a canniabal.

The consequences of the shock decision to disband Pfizer and Astrazeneca, produced immediate mea culpas from small town commentators in the dulcet South Kildare gangster enclave of Kilcullen who had formerly endorsed use of the vaccines.

"Why didn't we listen to James Healy?" oolagoaned broadcaster Brian Byrne through his nose. "He tried to warn us. Now I've just got to take my nasal twang and start again. Next time the UN tries to take over the world using an artificially induced flu virus panic, I'll stick to writing about what I know. Which is basically nothing."

Top science boff Noel Clare was similarly repentent about his role in hoodwinking the proles.

"We all owe James Healy an apology," he said. "I am a whining droning, climate change advocating, conformist left wing eejit parrotting any atheistic bosh that comes along and I guess I just lack an appreciation of the sanctity of life. When the scientists started buying up murdered babies for their experiments, I thought it was all ice cream. In fact if they'd marketed the unborn babies' cells as ice creams instead of vaccines, I'd have bought one just as readily. I'd have said: give me a 23 weeker with vanilla and a flake. Honestly I haven't got a clue. I want to apologise again humbly and from my heart to James Healy not just for this but for everything. Going right back to publishing a picture of Lord Kitchener beside one of his articles in the Bridge magazine thirty years ago. And latterly for giving a People Of The Year Award from my Kilcullen Community Inaction Group to Kinneavey. What a fool I was. An utterable, awful, gawdelpus of a socialist of an eejit of a fool. No really. I'm just a hipster doophus who learnt to say onomattapoiea for a living."

James Healy was not available for comment as he has been kidnapped in a joint operation by the Maloneys, the Hutch gang, Kinneavey and the clan gang operating out of the Alke Babish chipper.

A spokesman for the hoods said: "We're sorry too."