whom the gods wish to destroy they first make enter irish times poetry competitions

 

Mrs Awkright toddles up to me in the street.

"Here," she says, "I want you to enter this."

She thrusts a page of the Irish Times newspaper into my hand.

The page contains details of a poetry competition.

My handsome preraphaelite features take on a poignant hue.

I've spent my life fighting the Irish Times.

How could I submit to their judgement as a poet.

How could she even ask me to do it?

Does she not know she's trampling all over my immortal soul?

"There's a thousand Euro first prize," says Mrs Awkright.

A little vein throbs on my forehead.

I don't want to offend her.

People being harassed by Kinneavey, the Maloneys, the Alke Babish clan gang, the Hutch gang, the Kinahanes, et al (particularly Al, he's a real bastard) don't leap at the chance to fall out even with little old ladies.

"Okay," I say pocketing the page with details of the comp.

Back at the chateau, I read the crumpled page and discover that entries are being taken over the internet. Fatefully I check my soul. Fatalistically I log on to the Irish Times poetry competition website.

I read the following blurb:

"To celebrate the centenary of the drafting of Ireland's first Constitution, the Shelbourne hotel is partnering with the Irish Times in a national poetry competition to ask for your sense of what being Irish means to you today... The winning poem will be published in the Irish Times on March 7th 2022 and displayed in the Constitutioin Room at the Shelbourne for the remainder of the year."

That's some blurb.

Looks like the cat wrote it.

And these people are going to judge my poetry.

Ho hum.

There is a space for my name and contact details.

I enter them.

There is space for my poem.

Above the space for the poem, the titular question is again posed: "What does being Irish mean to you today?"

Inspiration comes in a rush.

In the space provided I write as follows.

"Ireland is the Irish Times

Abortionist

Euthanasist

Contraceptivist

Assisted suicidist

Life and death in test tubes ten dead for every one they create ist

The populace maintained on anti depressant derivatives of rocket fuel ist

Easy divorce ist

Mutilating sex change operations for children and adults ist

Pornographist

Drug gangs running our towns, cities and countryside ist

Spent the Cold War and the Jihad War rooting for the Russians and Al Qaeda respectively ist

Compulsory vaccination ist

Anti Catholic ist

Atheist

The only remaining unquestioned piety is the deliberate systemic collapse of immigration law with the intention of revitalising Marxian communism by importing a new deracinated proletariat ist

Ireland is the Irish Times"

Not bad eh. Fingers crossed. I could do with a thousand smackers.