pope wick chapter two

The Pope is in his office. Enter stage left Doctor Alberto Gasparri who is the Pope's travelling secretary.

 

Pope Francis: "What have you got for me today Clytus?"

Dr Gasparri: (With a little sigh at the use of the nickname) "A reception Holiness, for a famous female Chinese pianist in the State rooms."

Pope Francis: "Pianist?"

Dr Gasparri: "Pianist."

Pope Francis: "How can she be female if she's got a pianist? Ha, ha. And how should I receive her? Lots of charming phallus jokes?"

Dr Gasparri: "I think that would be unwise Holiness. Just play it straight. Express Papal approval of pianos generally. Strong appreciation for Chinese pianos in particular. Whatever you do, don't say pianist. Some mentions of China's great civilisation perhaps. Contribution to humanity. Continuity of culture. Blah, blah, blah."

Pope Francis: "Anything to distract from the trial of Claudia Cardinale and the Uyghurs, eh?"

Dr Gasparri: "Precisely Holiness. Although the man's name is Cardinal Zen not Claudia Cardinale."

Pope Francis: "Details, details, Clytus. The last time you set up one of these things, there was some sort of contre temps, was there not?"

Dr Gasparri: "A small misunderstanding Holiness. Hardly a contre temps. When the great Chinese cellist Yo Yo Ma told you his name, you thought he was insulting your mother and you tried to throttle him."

Pope Francis: "He was wiry, that Yo Yo Ma. He didn't look like much but he was deceptively strong. Much tougher than he looks."

Dr Gasparri: "Yes Holiness. The Ma's are a notoriously tough bunch of classical musicians."

Pope Francis: "So who is this fabulous Chinese bird that I'm meeting today?"

Dr Gasparri: "Her name is Yu Ja Wang."

Pope Francis: "Yu Ja Wang... Yu... Ja... Wang... Oh come on. That's huge wang. You're having a larf."

Dr Gasparri: "No Holiness. That's really her name."

Pope Francis: "Good looking girl is she?"

Dr Gaspari: "Let me this way put it. When you see her, you'll be the one with the Yu Ja Wang."

Pope Francis: "So when's the reception?"

Dr Gasparri: "After lunch Holiness."

Pope Francis: "Right so we've time to finish dealing with Flash Gordon and Zarkov before then. Oh. And that Dale Arden bim, what have you done with her?"

Dr Gasparri: "She's in the cells."

Pope Francis: "Excellent. Take her to the royal chambers. Prepare her for our pleasure."

Dr Gasparri: "Yes Holiness."

Pope Francis: "Oh and warm up the Neurotic Death ray for the rest of the planet. I'll give them ****ing climate change and an imaginary flu pandemic they'll never forget."

Dr Gasparri: "At once Holiness."

Exeunt Dr Gasparri and the Pap. Chanting of College of Cardinals minus Cardinal Zen is heard from off stage.

College of Cardinals: "Hail Ming. Hail Ming."

Enter Brian Blessed alone with a taper.

Brian Blessed: (musingly) "Heeler's alive... alive... alive..."