The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, December 23, 2011

the twelve days of Christmas

(The new chart sensation from MC Heelers. Available from Parlophone Records and EMI.)
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On the first day of Christmas internet spammers sent to me... an online casino link courtesy of some snurd styling himself Ashley May.
On the second day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... another casino link and a bogus offer of free software from Milton Scherbitzky.
On the third day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... another worthless casino link, more bogus software and a fake job offer from a fake Swede fakily called Elsa Svitborg.
On the fourth day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... May's silly casino, Scherb's useless software, Svitborg's daft job offer and a brochure from some idiot called Johnny Testone undertaking to enhance the size of my manhood.
On the fifth day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... five truly cretinous attempts to gain my bank account details which they pretended had originated with Barclays Bank, also four fake casinos, three free software downloads, two futile job offers and yet another unnecessary offer of assistance for my unnameable part from Johnny Testone. (Actually it has been named. I call it Rodney.)
On the sixth day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... sundry fake casinos, worthless jobs, bogus software, Testone's testimonial, the mind numbing banking, and a partridge in a pear tree. No not really the partridge. Actually something from a young scrote signing himself Kenyan Prince and purporting to offer pharmaceutical products which look like viagra, act like viagra, but aren't viagra, at low low prices. That's what came in the pear tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... rubbish casinos, jobs and software, Testone's testicle booster, invidious banking tricksteries, Kenyan Prince's Pharmaceuticals, and the offer of an absolutely sublime top class university degree whose sole prerequisite apparently is a week's study and cash in advance.
On the eighth day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... seven casinos a cashing, six jobs a paying, five software downloads, four huge testes, three bankers scamming, two invidious pharmaceuticals, one fake degree... and a stock tip from Denny Toney.
On the ninth day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... casinos, jobs and software, massive membranes growing, banking scams a glowing, plus numerous chemicals, stock tips, five makey uppy degrees, four french hens (who apparently want to marry me, or is that Russian hens?) and a turtle dove making a most romantic appeal for help transferring bearer bonds worth 10 million quid from Nigeria which seemed to be offering me the lion's share of the ten million if I would only be so gormless as to pass on my own personal bank account information.
On the tenth day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... nine casinos jingling, eight jobs a bobbing, seven software programmes, six big mickeys, five banking scams, four chemists chemming, three fake degrees, two useless stock tips (and a money transferring turtledove), and an invitation to sponsor an expedition to the South Pole led by Maxwell Zint.
On the eleventh day of Christmas the spammers sent to me... all of the above and an offer of ten thousand genuine viagra pills for free.
On the twelfth day of Christmas the scammers sent to me... (That's enough scammers. - Rodney note.)

5 Comments:

Blogger Genevieve said...

Might be time to change e-mail addresses. :)

3:21 AM  
Blogger Chamki said...

James!
You are so funny!

6:42 PM  
Blogger Chamki said...

ha ha ha

6:42 PM  
Blogger Chamki said...

ha ha ha-ha

6:42 PM  
Blogger heelers said...

Gen, I can't let them win.
Chamki, my funniness is the source of my super powers.
J

9:22 PM  

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