our television listings

RTE1

(Ireland's anti Catholic national broadcasting channel funded through compulsory taxation on Catholics by a corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail government which does not allow the citizens of Ireland to set up television stations to compete with it. The wheel is rigged and it's the only game in town.)

2.20 Eastenders. British porn show which hasn't been the same since the resident murderer in the cast moved on. I kid you not.

3.00 Fair City. Tense urban anti Catholic drama financed compulsorily by me.

3.30 Rachel Allen Bake. This programme should be called Rachel Allen Half Baked.

4.00 The Afternoon Show. Hags discuss leg waxing and their periods. The antithesis of entertainment.

5.40 Nuacht. Gutteral incomprehensibility has a new name.

6.00 The Angelus. Bell ringing sop to believing Christians. This week's episode: Quasimodo converts to Islam and buys an Irish passport from Albert Reynolds.

6.01 News and Weather. Islamist propaganda.

7.00 Nationwide. Unwatchable and unwatched.

7.30 Fair City. Two in one day. Oh joy. Show me the way to the vomitorium.

7.57 Lotto Draw. Yeah they list the Lotto Draw as a programme.

8.00 Off The Rails. Brendan helps divya Kristin Kapelli find her off stage style, and Sonya meets Paloma Faith. And James throws up.

8.30 Health Of The Nation. Doctor Mark Hamilton and Doctor Nina Byrnes help more patients in the mobile clinic, on my dime.

9.00 News. This will contain no mention of the latest Al Qaeda panic sowing mission on a passenger jet between Paris and America yesterday.

9.35 No Reservations. (Film) I unreservedly tell you not to bother watching this.

11.30 News. Sitcom geared towards Ireland's infiltrating Muslim population.

RTE2

(The Fianna Fail version of choice. A second national broadcasting channel operated by the first to perpetuate anti Catholic propaganda to a younger audience.)

1.55 Fifi And The Flower Tots. The most intellectual programme on RTE.

6.00 The Simpsons. Wearisome formulaic liberal left tosh that has run for twenty years and feels every day of it.

6.30 Home And Away. Throw another soap opera on the barbie cobber, as they do say in the RTE programming department.

7.00 Champions League Live Barcelona Versus Inter Milan. Bill O'Herlihy presents conformist soporific mania programme aimed at preventing the masses from thinking for themselves.

10.15 Criminal Minds. A programme about Ireland's police force and government.

11.10  News. Read by Allah U Marsbar.

11.40 The Eleventh Hour. No one on the planet earth will be watching this programme.

TV3.

(Canadian owned nonce channel, permitted to broadcast in Ireland after the payment of appropriate bribes to Fianna Fail politicians, on the express understanding that the programming would be as atheistic and anti Catholic as everything on RTE.)

6.00 Xpose. Religious programme TV3 style.

6.30 Friends. I quite like Friends.

7.00 Emmerdale. Al Qaeda obliterate Yorkshire. Survivors gather in the Woolpack. The media blame President Bush and Prime Minister Blair.

7.30 Ireland's Animal A&E. Nobody cares what this is.

8.00 Glee. Teen porn.

9.00 Spoilt Little Rich Kids. TV3's idea of a current affairs programme.

10.00 Ireland's Property Hangover. All is redolent with the essence of pap.

11.00 Nightly News. Read by The Prophet Muhammed and his nine year old wife.

11.05 Tonight With Vincent Browne. Ageing Maoist indulges his anti Catholic fetish. The programme is sponsored by Royal Bank Of Scotland. The Royal Bank Of Scotland recently went bust because of its sponsorship of programmes like this, but thanks to the largesse of Ireland's corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail government, Royal Bank Of Scotland still has enough of my money to sponsor Vincent Browne's atheistic drivel. I kid you not.