The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, August 24, 2013

legends of the fall

Friday evening.
Emerging from a church full of the joys into a rainswept Dublin street.
I fancy my face must be shining with supernatural light.
I have just availed of the Catholic ritual of confession.
If the ancient Christians are right, and if I have confessed truly and with a sincere intention to reform, a padre from India, representing the son of the Hebrew God, has just wiped my soul of sin.
I betake myself to The Winding Stair bookshop café to celebrate.
A rather fetching blonde woman presents me with a coffee.
I look at her with careful respect.
Her magnificent silken clad thighs can be of no interest to a spiritual fellow like myself.
I sit down.
At my table my eye falls upon a courtesy copy of the Irish Independent newspaper.
I open it gingerly.
Having just confessed more hatred and resentment against more people and institutions than you could shake a stick at, I am not keen to start smearing my soul with new sins straight away.
Maybe I shouldn't even read this newspaper, whose contributors and management and owners, I have so wilfully sinned against in the not too distant past.
My eye falls on an article about Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.
On occasion, I have been a tad critical of Archbishop Martin too.
"Hmmm, this is interesting," I murmur with some restraint.
The article bears a certain coincidental similarity to items that have appeared on this website, although with a polar opposite conclusion.
A sinful man might think he was being plagiarised.
The article notes that Archbishop Martin is hugely popular with priests in the Dublin area and will shortly be called to Rome for promotion.
"Well, well, well," I muse softly. "And to think I may have been responsible for disseminating an alternative impression, ie that Archie was generally not appreciated by the priests. I suppose people will just have to make up their own minds between Independent Newspapers analysis of this and mine. Still. No foul, no fault."
And certainly no sin.
Not today.
With measured tread, I turn the page.
An article by the Independent's religious affairs correspondent David Quinn leaps up to meet me.
He's another one I may have been occasionally critical of.
Perhaps even vituperative.
I ask you folks.
What is it with this newspaper?
For the unwary saint, it's a positive minefield.
Get a grip Heelers.
Let's see what he has to say.
Treat it as a spiritual exercise.
Today David Quinn is with great passion and courage and originality, attempting to draw attention to church burnings in the Third World. He is highlighting the media's neglect of the issue.
The theme does seem vaguely familiar to me.
Where can I have read about this before?
Oh right.
I wrote about it three days ago.
I hurry on.
Best not to get hung up on the little stuff.
It can be an occasion for sin.
On the next page I behold a feature piece by Independent Newspapers most honourable, insightful, courageous, and dare I say noble, contributor, the perennially inspirational Ian O'Doherty.
Ian O'Doherty is a renaissance man, a modern journalistic genius touched by greatness.
It must be admitted that up to now, his contribution to Irish public life has been somewhat under appreciated.
Mainly by me.
His headline on the present article proclaims: No One Should Be Let Use Irish Passports As Get Out Of Jail Free Cards.
The main body of his argument focusses on four members of a Muslim family, the Halabjas, who have been detained in Egypt while apparently taking part in demonstrations to secure the release of an ousted Islamist President.
What a colourful phrase: Passports As Get Out Of Jail Free Cards.
I wonder where he got the idea for that.
And what an unusual take on the situation: To actually speak against the diplomatic efforts being made on behalf of the Halabjas.
It all rings oddly familiar.
Where can I have read such things before?
A little vein on my forehead pulses briefly.
Clearly this Christianity stuff does not come without its challenges.
Ho hum.
Here is the news.
Far be it from me to defend the Halabjas, but I cannot help wondering why the great O'Doherty hasn't spoken out against another Irish passport holder who is currently seeking diplomatic help to get released from jail in Peru after being caught smuggling drugs which she claims a Columbian cartel forced her to carry for them.
I've lost a few people to drugs and I tend to regard drug traffickers as the worst scum of all.
Far worse than Islamists.
Why no mention of the drug trafficking hoor with the Irish passport, Mr O'Doherty?
Is it because she has connections to organisations badder than the Muslim Brotherhood?
Why no mention of the drug mule who is trying to get off scott free in Peru using her Irish passport?
Why did you target just the Muslim family, Mr O'Doherty, in that article you ripped off from me?
Mr O'Doherty?
What's the matter?
Cat got your crotch?
That's torn it.


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