horrorscopes

(with Mystic Muggins) 

Capricorn (Dec 22 to Jan 20): There will be rain so stay out of it. Earthquakes will erase the eastern seaboard of wherever you live. So move west. Now would be a good time to release a pop record. (If you're holding one captive. Not all Capricorns are.)

Aquarius (Jan 21 to Feb 18): The moon is in Uranus. This may make walking difficult. See a proctologist and don't hold back. A new work opportunity in nuclear physics may shortly present itself. Go cautiously. Particularly if you've no degree in nuclear physics. A dark haired man called John seems to offer the prospect of romance. Shun him.

Pisces (Feb 19 to March 20): Mars is in your oesophigus. Is that how you spell oesophigus? I must consult the runes. No wonder you're uncomfortable with a planet in your anus. Take a holiday in Japan. Don't speak to any strange geishas but do drink as much tea as you like. Sell your farm.

Aries (March 21 to April 20): Jupiter is in your tonsils. Sell your house. You have noticed a certain instability in your home life recently. This is because your house is built over an old Indian burial ground. Move. A person called Vladimir Putin may come into your life shortly. (Particularly if you're Ukrainian.)

Taurus (April 21 to May 21): Saturn is in your epliglottis. That's gotta hurt. You may feel phased by certain episodes of Star Trek. Try watching Friends instead. And sell your car. A good period for romance. Someone called Snodgrass will enter your life shortly. He's a keeper. (With West Bromwich Albion third team.)

Gemini (May 22 to June 21): Mercury is rising in your thermometer. Remember you are not responsible for the weather or for the fate of humanity. (Not unless you're really, really influential.) Stop worrying so much. Sell your shares on the stock exchange. Buy a cat instead. A person called Chopin offers the prospect of romance. He has a very small pianist. Play it by ear.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22): Pluto is in your anus. Sorry. I mean Uranus. It's only a small planet so don't worry over much. In fact some astrologers maintain Pluto isn't a planet at all. Just a wee adenoid. Still adenoids in your anus are no picnic. Proctologist time again.

Leo (Aug 24 to Sept 23): Ursa Major is in your garden. Mow the lawn. Or better yet, pay me to mow the lawn. Fifteen Euro an hour. Can't do better than that Guv. (It may take a hundred hours to complete the job as I'm a perfectionist.)

Virgo (Aug 24 to Sept 22): Polaris is rising in your nostrils. Learn Spanish. Sell all your major assets. New Zealand will shortly be swept away in a flood. You sense a need for adventure at the moment. Move to New Zealand. Take swimming lessons first.

Libra (Sept 23 to Oct 23): Betelgeuse is occluded by Venus with Neptune rising in Alpha Centauri. All of them are in Uranus. But stop worrying about these things. Broaden your horizons. Take your head out of Uranus. Perhaps a little move to China is on the cards.

Scorpio (Oct 24 to Nov 22): This week will be difficult for all Scorpios as the moon rising in your anus means you'll all get Bubonic Plague. Try to look on the bright side and if we meet, don't touch me and keep walking. Paradoxically this is a good time for romance for Scorpios. Someone with a "d" at the beginning of the name of their profession will enter your life. Either a doctor, a diplodochus, or a dipsomaniac. The stars aren't clear. If it's a diplodochus you have my permission to date him.

Sagitarius (Nov 23 to Dec 23): Stop reading horoscopes. Take responsibility for your life. Give up drugs. Read the Bible. Go to Mass. Bring your dog for a walk. God made the universe for you and it would be incomplete without you. There is hope for all of us! Rejoice, rejoice.