The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

this sporting life

There has been widespread relief in Ireland tonight at news that the government is taking immediate action to address gangland infiltration of the Irish Olympic Committee.
At a packed press conference, the Irish government has announced the immediate appointment of IRA mafia capo Gerry Adams to head up the Olympic Committee.
Mr Adams will be assisted by former hitman Martin McGuinness and a committee of drug dealing people trafficking child abusing IRA skang gang mobsters including Gerry Hutch, Christopher Kinahan and Slab Murphy.
"It's the best way of dealing with corruption," commented Sports Minister Shane Ross. "We're bringing it into the open. Any attempt to remove the IRA and its associated rackateers from control of the Olympic Committee would have left us all facing charges before the courts which are themselves controlled by the IRA. At least now there is no longer any secret IRA mafia infiltration of the Olympic Committee. It's all above board. If you can't beat them join them. Oh Mummy! Helllllp!"
To allay public concerns about unofficial IRA infiltration of the Olympic Committee of Ireland, the organisation will henceforth be officially known as the IRA Olympic Committee of Ireland.
The incoming IRA Olympic Committee have already announced some of their draft picks for the Tokyo Olympics in 2020.
"We've picked our equestrian team this evening," announced a pleased Gerry Adams. "Cian O'Connor will ride Michelle Smith in the showjumping event. We accept that in the past there have been allegations that Cian O'Connor's horses used drugs but no allegations were ever proven against Cian himself. He's just been unlucky with the sort of horses he chose to hang out with. We also accept that some of Michelle Smith's blood samples came back as one hundred per cent Johnny Walker whiskey but these tests were carried out subsequent to her three gold medal wins in Atlanta in 1996 not before, and anyway it has never been illegal to have urine that tests positive for whiskey. In spite of all that's been said about Michelle and other IRA Olympic drug cheats, you have to remember that she was allowed to keep her three OIympic swimming gold medals. You should also remember that she's a qualified barrister and practices law in the Republic of Ireland. Amid all this media obsession about our drug cheat Olympians, the perfect compromise is to have Michelle as Cian's horse in the showjumping events. That way no one will ever be able to prove anything and even if they could prove it, they'll be too scared to say anything in case she sues them or we shoot them."
There was further surprise at the press conference this evening when Sports Minister Shane Ross told reporters that he was dealing with the current ticket fraud scandal by appointing another IRA drug dealing faction known as the INLA to handle all future sales of Olympic Games tickets in Ireland.
"The INLA will sell Ireland's Olympic tickets from now on," commented a grim Mr Ross desperately trying to conceal his British accent. "And they hate touts."

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