The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

hell hath no fury like a biscuit nun scorned

"Sheila Clunes doesn't like me," said Uncle Throg.
"That's because she's a bitch," I answered knowledgeably.
"She's rude to me at the prayer group," sez he.
 "That's because your prayer group is an IRA coven," I elaborate opaquely.
"The worst of it is I think she's a nun," expostulateth he.
"She's an ex nun," quoth me canon lawily.
"Why did she leave?" sez he.
"Well," sez me, "in the Catholic tradition nuns are considered to be married to God. Sheila Clunes decided it wasn't working out and told God she wanted a divorce. She sued the Almighty for neglect and spousal abuse, claiming he stole Bridge Club biscuits, that he was never home, and that he failed to contribute in a meaningful way to the relationship. Oh and she accused him of seeing other nuns and not believing her made up stories about miracles. She's hoping the courts will award her half of the universe in compensation. That's the word on the street anyway. Personally I don't believe any of it. I bet it's God suing her for divorce rather than the other way around. There's only so much one deity can take."
"Actually James, she claimed you stole Bridge Club biscuits."
"Oh. Yeah. I'm mixing myself up with God again. I do that sometimes. But don't worry about the divorce. God probably had a pre nup. She'll get nothing except a good kick in the bawls."


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