The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, April 24, 2017

an open letter to the compilers of trinity college dublin's satirical magazine piranha

Yowsa Students.
Last Thursday I picked up the latest edition of Piranha (think syphalis or gonorhea or some veneral disease I can actually spell) and was sitting down in Bewleys of Westmoreland Street well prepared to be challenged in my smug middle class right wing evil repressed religionist views.
"Ho ho, the young pseuds and trendies will definitely get my goat," thinks I with great expectation.
Alas no.
No cutting edge satire to shake my equilibrium here.
A positive dearth of wit. (Dearth Vader's your editor isn't he?)
And precious few ho ho's.
Only conformist, joyless, iterations of blechhh.
The best of it was a dry as ditchwater sledgehammer subtle skit about how barbarous we defenders of unborn babies are.
That at least provoked some emotion.
A suppurating sadness that you so pitiably despise life itself.
Still I felt something.
Yes, that anodyne drivel was the absolute tip top best of your articles.
And five minutes after reading it, all that remained of it in my consciousness was an intense feeling of vague listlessness. I was too sad to be outraged, or, heaven help us, amused.
I know, I know. It would be more becoming to feel anger at such drekkkkk but I couldn't.
One doesn't hate gloop.
One steps around it.
Etc etc.
Your pro abortion piece was like one of ex President Mary Robinson's soviet style speeches advocating the reality of climate change.
Nine parts self righteousness, one hundred parts loathing for everyone on the planet who is not of your stripe.
If radicalism has become so bitingly flat what is the whole point of radicals?
On a point of information.
Is there a single member of staff at Piranha magazine who is willing to stand up and defend the sanctity of life?
Have you actually achieved North Korean communist style homogeneity in the moral deadness of your entire staff?
And you're proud of that?
I'm just asking.
Here's an idea.
How about as an intellectual exercise if for once in your lives you come out of your comfort zone and satirise the murderers of unborn children instead of witlessly applauding them?
Or how about a pro Catholic edition of Piranha?
I mean just for the hell of it.
I mean just try it.
You're satirists for crying out loud.
Satirise yourselves.
Isn't the idea funny?
Picture it.
You witless atheistic skangs (no offence) defending the ancient beautiful and true Catholic faith.
Admit it.
Just for a moment.
It is funny.
And bill the edition: Special Pro Catholic Edition.
And do it right.
For real.
Make it actually funny.
Imagine just for a moment that you actually had a smidgen of insight, a smidgen of intellect, a smidgen of courage, a smidgen of humour, and a tither of wit.
I'm still wondering.
Is there really no one among your cadre of conformists who secretly feels opposing abortion (even just for larfs) might be doable, or worth doing, or should be done?
Just once.
Just once.
Unite us.
Unite the clans.
Sorry, that's Braveheart.
But you know what I'm getting at.
As it stands your publication is a worthless anal excrescence.
Don't just sh-t there.
For crying out loud.
Publish something. 
In short, my only serious criticism of Piranha is that you're not funny, you're generic clones of what the Irish Times thinks students should be, you're soullessly miserable, you're making me miserable too, your attempts at humour are vapid and depressing, your radicalism is congenitally mundane, and your best moments are distillated insipidity.
Aside from this, Piranha is quite good.
James Healy


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