The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, April 13, 2017

this year's girl

Her hand touched my arm.
I turned.
Dark eyes framed by dark hair.
A lissom form.
I'd seen her before in this very cafe.
Now I was surprised that her face up close had a quality almost... almost... I don't want to be misunderstood because she was unfathomably beautiful... but a quality almost of the ordinary.
I mean.
What do I mean.
Up close her beauty was not intimidating.
It was just her.
All the more extraordinary for that.
I stared at her fascinated.
She was so beautiful.
So knowable.
Right that moment I was fascinated by the most strikingly exquisite, soulful, yet somehow mystically ordinary beauty I had ever seen.
Her hand was on my arm.
"Do you mind watching my computer for a moment," she said.
I smiled.
"I'll have to ask for a Judge's ruling on that one," I said.
"I'm sorry?" quoth she.
"Last week," I said, "I walked into this cafe and sat at an adjoining table to you. I couldn't help noticing your magnificent silken clad thighs. You noticed me noticing you, and you got up and moved to a table in the farthest corner of the cafe."
"Are you serious?" quoth she.
"It was very humiliating," I said.
"You won't watch my computer?" quoth she.
"My computer watching services are only open to girls whom I've never seen recoil with horror from my lewd attentions," I told her.
"You're joking," said she.
"Baby," I intoned, "I am completely unattainable for you. You'd have a better chance if you phoned Malibu and asked Tom Cruise to come watch your computer."
"Tom who?"
She left with her computer under her arm.
Very much alone, perhaps permanently so (and you can see why) I began to hum softly to myself.
Did I ever tell you gentle travellers of the internet that a famous chart topper musician called Michael Landers comes from my home town of Kilcullen?
Michael Landers topped the British charts in 1971 billed as the singing five year old and only stopped topping them when some jobsworth law enforcement authorities decided that it wasn't legal for a five year old to work so hard.
Long after his days of fame, which never returned, I saw him sing live once when he was in his twenties.
He was singing a most quaint song for a male singer.
It was the very song I now sang in Starbucks of Westmoreland Street as this year's girl and her computer disappeared into another universe.
The song went:
"I'll never get married,
I'll be no man's wife,
I'll always stay single,
All the days of my life."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this true?

4:50 AM  
Blogger heelers said...

Everything except that I actually ended up watching her computer and I did it with a good deal of undignifiedly slavish fawning.

4:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And whatever happened to the singing five year old?

4:52 AM  
Blogger heelers said...

He married the most collossal office bitch in the history of Kildare County Council.

4:53 AM  

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