The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

My Photo
Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Sunday, April 22, 2018

star drekkk

Scene opens with Captain Jean Nose Picard on the bridge of the Starship Snurdlebaum.

Picard: "Computer, where is Commander Worf?"

Computer: "Commander Worf is down the boozer."

Picard: "What? Again?"

(Sliding door shickoks open)

Worf: "What can you do with a drunken Klingon? What can you do with a drunken Klingon? What can you do with a drunken Klingon? Earl-eye in the morning. Way ho and up she rises. Way ho and up she rises. Way ho and up she rises. Earl- eye in the morning. Reporting for duty Captain. Hic."

Picard: "I'm Captain Picard you Dip. Captain Hic commands a completely different Starship. One I can't be bothered thinking up a name for."

Ryker: "Captain, sensors are reading a strange anomaly in the Vroons system."

Picard: "It's going to be one of those days."

Ryker: "It appears to be some sort of signal."

Picard: "Enhance and play back."

Anderson Cooper: "I'm Anderson Cooper and this is CNN."

Picard: "Nooooooo. Get us out of here. Mr Sulu or whatever your name is. Warp factor seven and a half. Why couldn't it have been a Yogi Bear cartoon. They're beating CNN in the ratings, you know."

Ryker: "The signal is fading."

Picard: "Not a moment too soon. Thank heavens it wasn't RTE."

Ryker: "Captain there's an Irish Times floating past the starboard bow. Will we pick it up using the ship's extensible retractor arm?"

Picard: "Nah."

Data The Android: "It has some interesting articles on how wonderful abortions are."

Picard: "So no change there. Even bankruptcy hasn't altered the Irish Times' fundamentally depraved moral outlook."

Ryker: "Why aren't there any women in this week's episode?"

Data: "It's 5am in Ireland where Heelers is writing this and he can't remember their names. Oh here comes Deana Troy. She's one. Hi Deanna."

Troy: "Hi."

Ryker: "We're picking up more anomalous readings. This time from somewhere else."

Picard: "On the screen."

Kim Wilde: "Set me free why don't you babe. Get out of my life why don't you babe? Because you don't really love me. You just keep me Klinging on."

Worf: "I met her in the pub."

Gates McFadden (the woman who plays Doctor Thingummy): Did I miss anything.

Picard: No it's over.


Post a Comment

<< Home