The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

De Ploribus Unum

(inside the Trump presidency by a source close the president... himself)

Bolton had to go.
He's a disagreeable man.
He kept disagreeing with me.
So he's gone.
He made a lot of bad decisions.
He caused the Iraq War.
I think he might have been responsible for Nine Eleven.
Have you ever asked yourself why all the Nine Eleven hijackers had silly moustaches?
It's too much to be a coincidence.
Bolton is a hater.
He hated Mike Pompeo one of my drones in Sector Seven Gee.
So he's gone.
As the best president since Abraham Lincoln (Honest Abe) I sometimes have to make tough decisions like that.
Now it's back to the mundane chores of running the Free World.
The Jewish question still bedevils my Administration.
Why did Ivanka marry that guy?
As it happens I am one of the most knowledgeable presidents ever about Jewish history and culture.
I've watched most episodes of Seinfeld and a good few Larry Davids as well.
They're both Jews.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
All I'm saying is that my knowledge of the Jews is Yu Jeh.
Seinfeld had a stand up routine in the 1970s before he was famous.
He described visiting an exhibition at the Smithsonian where the display included a tooth brush used by Neil Armstong on the moon.
The sign beside it said: "On loan from the collection of Neil Armstrong."
And Seinfeld said: "Neil... Give them the toothbrush."
I also remember a Larry David episode where his native American gardener Wandering Bear, who was played by real life Indian activist Russell Mears, gave Larry a herbal remedy for Larry's wife's va China.
Incidentally my Administration has done more to change stereotypes about Indians than any other.
For a start we promoted Nickie Haley. Her Indian name should be Big Chief Sexy Bum.
(It's not sexist if I like them and appoint them as ambassador to the United Nations.)
Anyway Larry David's gardener met Mrs David a few days later in the garden and said: "Mrs David, how is your va China?"
She frowned with embarrassment and said: "It's fine Wandering Bear."
Then she told Larry and he went to the gardener and said: "Wandering Bear, it might not be a good idea to ask the white man's wife how her va China is. It's a cultural thing."
And Wandering Bear said: "If you bring her to the white man's doctor, he'll not only ask about her va China, he will look."
And Larry David says: "Good one Wandering Bear. Good one. And might I just say what I wonderful job you've been doing."
I know everything about the Jews.
And the Indians/
Some tribes are talking about making me a full blood brother.
They do it with some sort of a ritual.
Or you can do it yourself if you're Senator Elizabeth Warren just by wishful thinking.
The media called her Fauxccahontas but I believe her real Indian name is Sitting Bullshit.


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