if heelers was a supreme court judge

(Judge Heelers is striding towards his courtroom all cloak and drama.)

Judge Milton Scherbitski (idling in corridor with friend): "Judge Heelers where are you going?"
Heelers: "I'm going to pick a fight."
Judge Ron Baines (idling with Judge Scherb): "He's what?"
Judge Scherbitski: "It must be another Braveheart parody."


(Cut to the courtroom.)

Senior Counsel: "Your Honour, the Quinns have reached an agreement with the bank. There will be a settlement of 88 Million  Euro against each one of the five adult children of Sean Quinn, ie Settlements have been agreed for 88 million Euro with Sean Quinn Junior, with Aoife Quinn for a separate 88 million Euro, with Brenda Quinn for another 88 million Euro, with Colette Quinn for another 88 million Euro, and with Ciara Quinn for yet another 88 million Euro. The settlements will be stayed on condition that they take steps to ensure the return of certain assets held by them in international portfolios. Your Honour. Your Honour. What are you doing?"

(Judge Heelers has entered the witness box and is walking around, jostling the Quinns, an elbow here, a nudge there, a buttock clench there.)

Ciara Quinn:" Ow. Oh. Oh. Ow. The Quinn family... are... ow... at war... and oh, ow, when... the war is over... ow, ow, ow, the Quinn, oh, ow, family... will still...oh... still be standing. Ow." (She is quoting from her famous 2012 speech to a mob of yobs at the Border in which she threatened the Irish people and their representatives with unspecified Quinn IRA warfare.)

Senior Counsel: "This is highly irregular. Your Honour. Stop it."

Judge Heelers: "Ah she'll stop herself in a minute."

Senior Counsel: "I meant you."

(Judge Heelers has returned to his own chair and is throwing rotten eggs at Sean Quinn Junior, Aoife Quinn, Brenda Quinn, Ciara Quinn and Collette Quinn)

Senior Counsel: "Your Honour please. The parties have agreed to a settlement."

Ciara Quinn: (Sounding very like the character Cartman from the opprobrious television cartoon Southpark.) "That one was in the bawls. No.No. Heelers no. No hitting in the bawls."

Judge Heelers: "You pulled out Kevin Lunney's fingernails you IRA Nazi bitch. So you think we're going to let you off your billion dollar theft on behalf of big Daddy Warbucks? No we are not."

Senior Counsel: "Objection M'Lud."

Judge Heelers: "**** off."

(Heelers now has a power hose attached to a hydrant somewhere and is drenching the Quinns.)

Judge Heelers: "Still threatening the Irish people with open warfare, eh? How do you like them apples you IRA scruff."

Ciara Quinn: "Glug, glug, glug. You're not throwing apples anymore. Glug. You're using a power hose. Glug."

(Heelers starts pitching cow pies at the Quinns using a shovel.)

Senior Counsel: "Objection m'Lud. Objection with renewed vigour. Oh. You got her in the bawls again with that one. Good shot. But strenuous objection m'Lud. Like Demi Moore in A Few Good Men. I strenuously object. It was the only good bit in a really formulaically anodynely lousy film."

Judge Heelers: "There'll be nae settlement. Not until the Quinns call to every house in Ireland and beg the people of Ireland individually and collectively for forgiveness for one hundred years of IRA rape, torture, extortion, people trafficking, child abuse and murder.."

Senior Counsel: "I must keep protesting. It's what I do for a living. Protesting on behalf of IRA skang gangs. I protest. I protest."

Judge Heelers: "I'm not finished. After that the Quinns will personally remunerate every household in Ireland for the burglarisation of the entire populace which they engineered on behalf of their father Sean Quinn, an IRA mafia capo, and on behalf of the IRA mafia itself, by taking illegal billion dollar loans from the IRA controlled Anglo Irish Bank in order to facilitate the IRA in robbing its own bank through those loans using a mafia business model which first came to international prominence in Italy when the Sicilian Cosa Nostra used it to rob the Banco Ambrosiano in the 1980s."

Senior Counsel: "This is highly irregular. The truth in a court room. I must protest. I must protest... oh you know."

Judge Heelers: "I'm not finished. After that the Quinns will visit every town and village in Ireland, Britain, America and Europe, and make restitution to every single down and out of Irish extraction who has had his or her life ruined through addiction to IRA drugs or through being unable to live in, or find a job in, his own country because the Quinns IRA has turned Ireland overnight into a Third World charnel house..."

Ciara Quinn: "You don't scare us. The Quinns and the IRA are bigger than you. We're bigger than the law. We own the police. We own the Judges. We own the government. We're bigger than the people of Ireland. We'll have the last laugh. And you'll be looking for your fingernails... (Doing Cartman again.) We... are... god..."

Judge Heelers: "Take them to Detroit. "

Ciara Quinn: "No. No, please. Nooooo. Not Detroit. Mercy. Pleeeease. Nooooooooo."