the independent newspapers laugh in

Sitting in a cafe reading a free copy of the Irish Independent.
The editorial carries a banner headline which reads:

IN THE UNDERWORLD LIFE IS CHEAP
THERE IS NO GLAMOUR IN CRIME

It takes me a biro wielding moment to add a rider to the headline.
My rider reads:

"EXCEPT WHEN INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPERS OWNER WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL DENIS O'BRIEN STEALS A BILLION DOLLARS FROM IRELAND BY BRIBING THEN FINE GAEL GOVERNMENT MINISTER MICHAEL LOWRY TO GIVE HIM MOBILE PHONE SERVICE PROVISION CONTRACTS DIRT CHEAP