star trek 17 in the forbidden zone all klingon ships are grey you wot guv

Helmsman Sulu: "Klingon bird of prey decloaking off our starboard bow."

Captain Kirk: (Beneath his breath.) "I don't like you."

Sulu: (Beneath his breath.) "I don't like you either."

Lieutenant Uhuru: "Captain. The Klingon Commander is on... is on..."

Kirk: "Come on Uhuru. Spit it out."

Uhuru: "...er.. he's on the phone thingy?"

Kirk: "I suppose it'll have to do. You could call it a com link. It might sound a bit better. Or how about that perennial favourite to wit, the Klingon vessel is hailing us?" Would that be expecting too much?

Uhuru: "That finished badly the last time. You interpreted the word hailing as implying he wished to praise your brilliance as a starship captain and an actor."

Kirk: "Ha, ha. That was a good one. What does this week's Klingon Commander want?"

Uhuru: "He wants to discuss terms."

Kirk: "Okay. Put him on the screen."

Uhuru: "He's on line two."

Kirk: "You mean there's no screen? We don't have a screen. Bloody hell. Okay, okay. Fine. Line two. Hello."

Klingon Commander Voltek: "Ah Kirk. You puny fool."

Kirk: "What do you want Voltek?"

Klingon Commander Voltek: "To discuss terms. Like I just told your Lieutenant with the magnificent silken clad thighs."

Kirk: "We know. We know. It's the dress code in Star Fleet. Blooming ridiculous. You wouldn't believe the number of sexual harassment cases we have pending on this ship."

Klingon Commander Voltek: "It's the times we live in."

Kirk: "You said you wanted to discuss terms. Get on with it."

Klingon Commander Voltek: "What is a somnambulist?"

Kirk: "I think it's someone who can't sleep."

Klingon Commander Voltek: "You ptaak! How did you know that?"

Kirk: (Whispering to Doctor McCoy.) "What's a ptaak?"

McCoy: (Whispering to Kirk.) "It's a makey uppy Klingon term for something not good."

Mr Spock: "Captain I think a somnambulist is actually someone who walks in his sleep."

Kirk: "Shut up you big ptaak. You'll spoil my hundred percent record."

Voltek: "What is a numismatist?"

Kirk: "I think it's... some sort of... drill."

Klingon Commander Voltek: "Curses. How does he do it! You know everything."

Mr Spock: "Actually Captain, a numismatist is a person who studies or collects coins."

Kirk: "Mr Chekov."

Chekov: "Yes Capteen."

Kirk: "Give Spock a root in the bawls."

Chekov: "Yes Capteen."

FX: Vuncchhhhhhh.

Spock: (In a strangulated voice.) "My babies."

Klingon Commander Voltek: "What is a..." 

Kirk: "Voltek I grow weary of these games. Will that be all?"

Klingon Commander Voltek: "Alright. You have bested me again Kirk. And I too have had enough of discussing terms for this episode. But beware Kirk. Next time we meet, say at the Galactic Over Actors Convention in October star date 59 62 7... I may not be so agreeable... Kplaaak."

Kirk: (Whispering to McCoy.) "Kerplunk?  What's Kerplunk?"

McCoy: "It's a novelty children's game from the 1970s."

Kirk: "The game where you put saddles and things on a plastic donkey?"

McCoy: "That's the one."

Spock: (In a squeaky voice.) "Actually Captain, he said Kplaaak! It's makey uppy Klingon for goodbye."

Kirk: "Oh right. I knew that. Kerplunk yourself Voltek."

FX: Click and a dial tone.

Kirk: "He's gone. Thank goodness. Ensign Ricky. There's a dangerous looking planet over there. No one's ever come back from it alive. Nip down to the surface and check it out. Uhuru, put on a pair of trousers for crying out loud. Or why not convert to the peaceloving religion of Islam? You'd look great in a Niqab. And I might get some sleep at night. Spock are you alright? What happened? Chekov stop doing that."