new scandals engulf catholicism in terrifying wave of speculative cliches

 

Fears are growing of an imminent schism in Catholicism after Pope Francis was said to be contemplating plans to transform the entire church into a nightclub called Lola's.

"Even those who don't know what a schism is are worried," said a clearly worried Cardinal Von Horst. "Schism. It just sound scary, you know. I could imagine a horror movie character called Schism. The schism is gonna get you, the schism is gonna get you. Gloria Estefan would have a field day. Anyhoo. We'll all be rooned before the night is over."

Concerns about Francis' Papacy date to the day of his election in 2013 when rumours swept the conclave of a clique promoting the man known then simply as Jorge Borgoglio, for the office of Pope using the slogan: "Vote Bergoglio or you are a clodpoll."

The slogan appears to have been stolen from the old Jennings books although there is no suggestion that Jennings himself or Derbyshire were involved.

Disquiet about Bergoglio and his supporters' methods has deepened at regular intervals since then with one source claiming to have heard the Pope threatening to fire the entire College of Cardinals thusly: "Don't they know I'm the boss here? I'll have their red hats."

Whether Francis really said this or not, the fact that I'm making it up clearly indicates a problem at the upper reaches of his administration.

The average Cardinal's attachment to his red hat would make such a threat something not to be sneezed at.

On another occasion Francis is said to have threatened to "get" Pope Benedict if he didn't "shut up."

An unpublished internal report which no one has seen confirms that morale in the Vatican is at an all time low.

Testimonies from anonymous sources claim that the Pope not only permitted Pachamama idols to be venerated in Saint Peter's basilica during the so called Amazon summit of 2019 but also danced with one while performing pelvic thrusts which left nothing to the imagination.

The ongoing refusal of Pope Francis to formally bestow the title Mediatrix Of All Graces on the Blessed Virgin Mary, a title never accorded to the BVM by any Pope in history, is being taken by some critics as evidence of something that further evidence would be needed for, in order to take it further.

Unidentified witnesses also claim to have seen Bergoglio roughing Cardinal Angelo Becciu's collar after Becciu was caught sending millions ot dollars to Australia as bribes to frame Cardinal Andrew Pell for child abuse.

"You stupid wop," Francis is said to have said. "Don't you know that when you bribe someone to frame someone for child abuse in order to protect Satanists, Freemasons and the Cosa Nostra Mafia's use of the Vatican bank as a money laundering operation, the first thing you don't do is leave a money trail."

The issue of transforming the Catholic church has always been integral to Francis' perceived agenda but this is the first time sources have suggested he might turn the ancient church into a night club called Lola's.

"Lola's actually isn't such a bad name," commented musician Barry Manilow cautiously. "I'm sort of flattered. Lola's. Yes it has something. Let me see. Lola! She was a showgirl. In a nightclub north of Havana. At the Coca... Coca Cabana. Music and passion were always in fashion at the Coca until she fell in love. Well you know what I mean. Actually, I may have to sue."