The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, June 25, 2012

the gonks of navarone

Morning at the Irish parliament.
Crimson swastikas flutter outside the venerable building, so recently renamed the Reichskanzellorai.
Fuhrer Enda Kenny, a weak vacuous vacant vomitous venal invidious hair style of a man, sits in the cabinet room.
He is alone in the office except for Gestapo Chief Alan Shatter.
"Ze man you are waiting for is here Mein Fuhrer," says Herr Shatter.
"Well show him in," says the Fuhrer with some signs of impatience. "Heeler's does not write good intros. Ze sooner vee get this thing moving ze better."
"Yes Mein Fuhrer," answers Alan Shatter smartly delivering a sieg heil salute, turning on his heels and exiting briefly.
He returns with Michael Caine.
"Who ze hell are you?" intones Enda Kenny sounding a bit like Mr Burns from the Simpsons.
"I'm Michael Caine," answers Michael Caine.
And somewhere the ghosts of the 1980s girly pop group Bananarama are smiling.
Michael Caine gathers himself.
"Er no that's not it," he mutters. "Sorry Guv. Ah. I'm Colonel Hans Steiner of the Twelfth Alpen Corps."
"You eat a lot of muesli do you?" puts in Alan Shatter, obviously delighted to be getting a good line.
(Good line? - Ed note)
The Fuhrer silences him with a wave of his hair.
The brief sequence of knockabout has been a splendid homage to Michael Caine's performance in the film The Eagle Has Landed.
But time is fleeting.
"Ze war is going badly," barks Enda Kenny. "Ze Catholics have figured out that it's not turning ze other cheek if you bow to an oppressor. Vee could have won this thing by now if it wasn't for that verdammt James Healy and his continuous disrespectful descriptions of me as a vapid vacuous vomitous vorpal vile venal hairstyle of a man. Zis Heelers must be stopped. Without him ze vill of our opponents vill crumble. Zey vill be oursssssss, as Re Education Minister Ruairi Quinn always says when purchasing one of his brother Lochlainn's bankrupt banks with ten thousand million dollars of public money. But I digress. Vee are going to parachute you into ze Irish country town of Kilcullen. You and your men vill be disguised as corrupt Irish police officers so you should fit right in. You vill find James Healy and kidnap him. Zis way vee can vin ze var even at ze eleventh hour. That is your mission. Bring me the head of Heeler the Peeler."
"You're a bloody fool George," replies Michael Caine.
"My name is Enda," sulks the Fuhrer.


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