The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, June 23, 2012

the snurds have landed

Morning at the Irish parliament.
Swastikas fluttering in the breeze.
In the cabinet room, Nazis are dancing.
Reichsminister Alan Shatter, Head of the Gestapo, is waltzing Finanzminister Michael Von Noonan around the room.
Fuhrer Enda Kenny and other lesser Nazis such as Re Education Minister Herrless Ruairi Quinn clap their flippers in time to the music.
The music comes from an old gramophone.
It is a vintage 1970's recording of Bernard Cribbins singing The Wombles.
The song goes:

"Underground overground
Wombling free
The Nazis of the Republic of Ireland
Are we
Shamelessly vitiating
Every Christian tradition that we find
Things that the debauched citizenry
Have been narcoticised into leaving behind
Wombles nefarious
You'd think we'd be ashamed of our murderous athestism
Our contraceptivism
Our life in test tubes
our packing of the Judiciary with political appointees
And our general vileness
But we're not
Wombles delirious
our every platitude wrapped in a miasma
Of abortions
Bail outs with public money for Ruari Quinn's brother's bank
And congealed snot
As we repudiate
1500 years of holy Catholicism
With our contrived corporatist fascist Marxian tommyrot
And what not
Underground overground
Wombling slavery
Puny earthmen
Nothing can save you now
Nya ha ha Gee Force"

As the music ends an odd silence reigns in the conference room.


The camera cuts to the bedroom of a suburban house.
There is a little boy sick in bed.
His grandfather, played by Peter Falk, is reading him a bedtime story.
The little boy can stand the tension no more.
"But Grampa," he says. "The Nazis aren't going to win are they? James Healy is going to burst into the cabinet room riding a death's head motorcycle, give a punch on the snot to Alan Shatter and a root in the bawls to Enda Kenny before tossing Ruairi Quinn out the window and roaring: Never mind the bolloxes, here's the Catholic Church, isn't he? Grampa? The Nazis aren't going to win in Ireland are they, Grampa? James Healy is on the way? He's going to stop them, isn't he? Grampa?"


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