The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, June 07, 2012

subterranean eucharistic congress blues

Timetable for the Eucharistic Congress.

9.00 Opening Ceremony led by Archbishop Diarmuid Martin and a few also rans. Archie will speak about child abuse and apologise for it on behalf of those of us who have never committed it.

10.00 Prime Minister Enda Kenny, a weak vapid vacuous hairstyle of a man, will lead the assembly in his own rendition of Deutschlund Uber Alles before presenting a Nazi Of The Year award to Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.

11.00 Confessions will be heard by Gauleiter Alan Shatter. Followed by tribute to Archbishop Diarmuid Martin from Karl Marx.

12.00 Atheistic Irish government Justice Minister Ruairi Quinn will speak on the topic What The Eucharist Means To Me. This talk will take five seconds and consist of the word: "Nothing." Followed by silent adoration for half an hour of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.

12.30 Ruairi Quinn will explain the Irish government's decision to pay ten billion Euro for a bankrupt bank, styling itself Allied Irish Bank, of whose board of management his brother Lochlainn Vineyard Quinn is a member. Followed by crowning of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin as honorary (titular) High King of Ireland.

1.00 Atheistic Marxist arsewipe Gary O'Sullivan will tell the audience where he got the cash to buy the liberal atheistic newspaper styling itself The Irish Catholic. The Irish Catholic (sic) had up till yesterday been a business run for profit by the Farmers Journal corporation. I kid you not. Afterwards Archbishop Diarmuid Martin will speak about the Gary O'Sullivan he knows and loves.

2.00 Archbishop Diarmuid Martin will apologise for the dreadful job he claims every Bishop in Ireland has done up until his own accession to high office. Spittoons will be provided for those wishing to vomit.

3.00 Parade of Fine Gael with Swastikas and veneration of original icons of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.

4.00 Crowning of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin as Pope. The investiture ceremony will be carried out jointly by the editor of the anti Catholic Irish Times and by the editor of the anti Catholic Irish Independent and by the programme controller at RTE who is himself an unfrocked priest with a lifelong detestation of the Catholic Church. You couldn't make it up.

5.00 The apotheosis of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin. (ie His ascension into heaven and elevation to Godhood.)

6.00 Tea.


Anonymous Bugspy said...

Absolutely hilarious! ROLF

1:29 AM  

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