The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, December 19, 2014

the retirement of slasher magee

Respected mob enforcer Slasher Magee has announced he is to retire shortly.
There wasn't a dry eye in gangland when the veteran thug issued a statement this week informing his fans that he was going to hang up his bhong forever. (Gun surely - ed note)
"It's awful news," sobbed Giancarlo Gambino of New York's respected Cosa Nostra syndicate. "What are we going to do now when we want someone rubbed out? Who we gonna call? The bleeping ghostbusters?"
A clearly emotional Mr Gambino assured the press that he was expressing the feeling of other respected businessmen everywhere who have managed for years to maintain their affiliates all over the world through the use of amoral hired thugs like Slasher.
All across Europe, respected mob blitzers, harlots, and street scruff were stunned.
"Who will look after us now?" sobbed Buzzcut O'Sycho of the respected Skangroy Park Sychos. "What will happen when we're up before the Judges? Our buzzcuts don't work any more. We've been in court so many times that even the Judges can tell the difference between us. And so can our victims. Boo hoo hoo. Oh who will we turn to now to step forward in court and say: Spare them jail your honour and I'll take them under my wing. Oh boo. Boo hoo. Boo hoo hooooo."
Similar emotions were expressed at an improptu gathering of respected skanks and skummers in one of Glasgow's most salubrious speak easies.
"We love Slasher Magee," commented respected Al Qaeda liaison officer Abdul RAHman. "You can't open a mob business on Main Street unless you've got someone like Slasher to protect you. Allah u akbar. Allah u akbar. Allah u akbar. Sorry. I lost it there for a minute? Where was I? Oh yes. Al Qaeda wishes to join all those other community minded organisations in mourning the passing of this giant of crime."
Slasher's son Fauntleroy and daughter Dribblicia issued a joint statement through their lawyer.
"Slasher Magee is a great father," they averred. "He would always ask us to leave the room out of respect before beating the living sh-t out of Mammy. Except when he got us to hold her down of course."
The London Stock exchange fell six resepectful gun shots on news of Slasher's...
(That's enough Slasher - Ed note.)
(You're ----ing right it is - Heelers note)


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