The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Tuesday, November 03, 2015

god on trial

Day Two of the Trial of the Century.

The State versus God.
Charge 1: God is charged with not existing.
Charge 2. If he does exist, God is charged with not creating the universe the way Stephen Fry would have liked it.
Amicus briefs: American Civil Liberties Union, Al Qaeda, and Planned Parenthood.
Judge Erwin Liberal presiding.


Bailiff Rusty Birell: All rise. The court is in session.

Judge Liberal: Mr Fry?

Stephen Fry: Your Honour, the prosecution calls... James Healy.

(Sounds of pandemonium.)

Judge Liberal: Order, order. Mr Fry it is highly irregular to call the opposing defence attorney as a witness for the prosecution. (Whispering) And once he starts he may never shut up.

Stephen Fry: Your Honour I think I can show relevance. The prosecution will contend that James Healy while purporting to defend God is the biggest atheist here.

Judge Liberal: Proceed.

(James takes the stand)

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

James: No.

Judge Liberal: Mr Healy you must take the oath.

James: No Your Honour. I won't lie. But I won't take an oath.

Stephen Fry: Might we be permitted to know why.

James: The supposed witnesses to Jesus life claim in the gospels that Jesus told them not to swear oaths but to let their yes mean yes and their no mean no. I take him literally on that.

Judge Liberal: Well Mr Healy. Does your yes mean yes and your no mean no?

James: It does.

Judge Liberal: Are you satisfied with that Mr Fry?

Stephen Fry: Not satisfied exactly. Strangely intrigued.

James: You were very good in the Jeeves And Wooster television series.

Stephen Fry: Oh. My blushes.

James: I haven't really enjoyed anything else you did.

Stephen Fry: Ah thanks, thanks. Too kind. And why might I ask exactly?

James: There is genuine joy in your Jeeves And Wooster performances. You extend experience. You affirm life. I think you make people feel they can deal with life and that life is good. The other stuff you've done is joyless. In one way or another it's propaganda for joylessness. I'd bet you believed in God while you were filming Jeeves And Wooster.

Stephen Fry: Well now really, I can't say. Now that you mention it. But I was younger, you see.

James: No it wasn't youth. It was an artist doing what God created him to do.

Stephen Fry: What a curious insight.

Judge Liberal: If I might interrupt this mutual appreciation society. We are here to conduct a trial.

Stephen Fry: Ah yes of course. Mr Healy, do you believe in God?

(There is silence)

Judge Liberal: Mr Healy, we must have an answer if you please.

James: Yes, I believe God exists and that he made the heavens and the earth and that he loves every human being.

Stephen Fry: You hesitated. Why?

James: For dramatic effect. And because there is a one liner in the Bible where Jesus says that if you speak for him before men, he will speak for you before the Father. I was just reminding him.

Stephen Fry: Mr Healy, have you ever been an atheist?

James: Well I've denied God a hundred times, I've told him to get lost, I've betrayed him more times than I can number.

Stephen Fry: Have you ever been an atheist Mr Healy?

(Another pause)

James: You could say I have.

Stephen Fry: When?

James: About six times this morning. Any doubt you have known, I have probably known. My prayer is: Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Stephen Fry: Do you really believe in God?

James: Yes. The truth of God is the only thing I have encountered in the world that makes sense to me. It is the only truth I believe. Everything I encounter seems to me to point to him. Every beauty. Every accomplishment. Every suffering. Every language. Every great philosophy of life. Every person. Every good actor. He is the source of all truth. Every step away from him leads to lies.

Stephen Fry: Mr Healy, I put it to you that your every statement about God is couched in conditional terms. You are trying to persuade yourself as much as us. You do not really believe in him, do you?

James: He exists whether I believe in him or not.

Stephen Fry: Have you ever met him?

(A long pause)

Judge Liberal: Mr Healy?

James: I was visiting a dying person. She was so alone. I said: Where are you God, where are you? And I felt Jesus there.

Stephen Fry: But did you see him?

James: I couldn't see him.

Stephen Fry: Well then. We can all imagine any presence we want to.

James: I couldn't see him because he was in me. He was in me looking out at her. He let me know it at that moment. And afterwards the nurse said to me that the girl had told her: He never leaves me. And the nurse asked me who she might have meant. I knew.

Stephen Fry: So you're God?

James: No. But Jesus has said that if anyone seeks to do his will, he will be with them and that he and the Father will come and live with them. Whenever you do good to someone or good in the world, he is working through you. And what the nurse said was another affirmation, a way for God to let me know, that he never abandons anyone even the one I thought most abandoned.

Stephen Fry: Why couldn't he just tell you himself?

James: God doesn't owe me any explanations.

Stephen Fry: He couldn't tell you Mr Healy because he does not exist.

James: Whatever way the universe is ordered, there is nothing without an act of faith. And yet everything points to him.

Stephen Fry: Even evil?

James: The multiplication of evil where God is absent or rejected, points to God.

Stephen Fry: No further questions. For now. But don't leave town.

Judge Liberal: Er. Mr Healy do you wish to cross examine yourself? Sort of like from the Woody Allen film Bananas? Does the code name Sapphire mean anything to you, I swear to God, pant pant, and all that. No? Ah. Pity. Alright, you may stand down. The court will adjourn until tomorrow. I would remind the Jury that they are not to discuss this case with anyone.


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