The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

if we'd had cnn and amnesty international and the un's human rights watch to show us how to conduct conflicts in a humanitarian manner during world war two

1938: "Germany has annexed Austria. It appears the German Nazi government is led by one Adolf Hitler. (Two Adolf Hitlers would have been absurd.) It is also clear that not all Germans are Nazis so we should continue to allow open immigration into Britain and America for Germans. We should also label as racist anyone who thinks we should go to war with Germany. It is not clear when Adolf Hitler became radicalised. This is Wolf Blitzer for CNN."

1939: "Germany has annexed Czechoslovakia. Clearly not all Germans are in favour of the move. Only a small percentage of Germans are actually Nazis so anyone advocating putting a stop to German expansion is a racist. The Nazi Gestapo is led by one Heinrich Himmler. (Two Heinrich Himmlers etc etc.) It's not clear when Himmler became radicalised. There is some talk of removing him in a surgical air strike but there are fears that any such attempt would only lead more Germans to become radicalised, thereby worsening an already perilous situation. I'm Anderson Cooper for CNN."

1939: "Germany has partitioned Poland with Soviet Russia. Nonetheless we must have open boarders in the west. It is imperative that we stick to our values and allow any Germans or Russians who wish to live in our countries to simply move here. Not all Germans are Nazis and not all Russians are Communists. We must let them move here if they want to. Anything else would be racist. I'll punch on the nose anyone who says we should restrict immigration or who tries to label all Germans as Nazis. I'm Geraldo Rivera, CNN, well Fox News actually but you see how deep this runs."

1940: "German panzer divisions have over run France using tanks and planes in a style of warfare known as blitzkrieg. We'll have more on that later. The German tank armies are led by Von Mannstein, He is believed to have been radicalised by Nazi propagandists within the last ten years. Prime Minister Chamberlain is looking for a way to target Mannstein in a surgical strike to avoid killing innocent tank crews who may not even be Nazis. It is clear that not all Germans are Nazis."

1941: "The Luftwaffe currently obliterating Britain from the air is led by one Hermann Goering. (Not two?) He is believed to have been radicalised during the 1930's. The British are no longer shooting down German planes because not all Germans are Nazis. Instead Prime Minister Chamberlain is looking for a way to target Goering in a surgical strike. Fox News Commentator has warned the British people not to appoint Winston Churchill as Prime Minister, "Churchill has racist views about defeating Germany," said Geraldo. "He thinks all Germans are Nazis If I met him I'd punch him on the nose."

1941: "Germany has launched a surprise attack styled Operation Barbarossa on Russia. Human Rights Watch and the UN have urged Russia to avoid over reacting. "It is clear at this stage that not all the invading army are Nazis," warned UN Secretary General Bank Ki Moon, "We urge all sides to return to the negotiating table."

1941. "The German Sixth Army has captured Stalingrad. The Sixth army is led by a Nazi called Von Paulus. It is believed Von Paulus was radicalised after Hitler came to power. Repeated attempts to target Von Paulus in a surgical strike have not been successful."

1941: "This morning Imperial Japan has attacked America in a sneak attack on Pearl Harbour aimed at decimating the American navy in its Pacific harbour. We hasten to add that not all Japanese are Imperialists. Germany has also now officially declared war on the United States. We wish to make it clear that not all Germans have declared war on the US. It is imperative that we figure out who is a Nazi and who isn't. Perhaps young Germans could be given good paying jobs to stop them becoming radicalised. We at CNN believe that the most important thing is that we avoid any over reaction or backlash against ordinary Germans or Japanese. In the wake of the Pearl Harbour attack, President Roosevelt wishes to intern Japanese Americans as potential spies but this must be resisted by all decent people. Perhaps some limited monitoring of Japanese nationals in the US by the FBI may be acceptable but only if the Supreme Court says it's okay. Internment of Hirohito's American spy network and their wives and families is out of the question. It is against the Constitution and against our values. Geraldo Rivera wouldn't hear of it. Not all Japanese are bad. It is not clear when Emperor Hirohito was radicalised. Probably only recently after attending a sushi festival in Osaka city where he ate some bad clams. The Pentagon may attempt to target Hirohito in a surgical airstrike. Amnesty International has pointed out that not all Japanese are Emperor Hirohito. "There's only one of him," stated Amnesty International Chief Libby Fembo in a deposition to Congress. "You must not kill innocent Japanese just because a few red necks want revenge for Pearl Harbour."

1942: "The Afrika Korps under Field Marshall Erwin Rommel has conquered the continent of Africa. British General Bernard Montgomery Law has complained that Allied rules of engagement meant he wasn't allowed to fire on German tanks unless he was sure all the drivers were Nazis. This sounds like sour grapes to us at CNN. The only acceptable answer to the Afrika Korps is to target Rommel in a surgical strike. Other than that we call on the Allies to surrender to dark Islamic night. Er, I mean the Nazis."

1943: "Germany's greatest tank commander Von Mannstein has conquered all Russia. It is still not possible to estimate how many of his tank drivers are actually Nazis. So the Russians have been rightly restricted by Amnesty International, the UN, and CNN, to trying to remove Von Mannstein himself in a surgical strike. These are the civilised days of 1943 when indiscriminate bombing is no longer acceptable."

1943: "Radical SS commander Reinhard Heydrich has announced the complete elimination of Jews, Gypsies and Polish people from Europe. Heydrich is believed to have been radicalised during the Munich Beer Festival when he fell in with radical CNN Imams. I mean Nazis. Attempts to remove him in a surgical strike are expected to continue for the near future."

1944: "The D Day landings have been repelled in ferocious fighting by Field Marshall Rommel who has so far evaded all attempts to surgically remove him. The attempted Allied landings in France were spear headed by indiscriminate bombings of civilians. CNN is calling for Allied leaders to be impeached for War Crimes under a tribunal to be led by Michael Moore."

1945 "Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan have conquered America and Britain and the planet earth. All Hail our new Nazi Imperialist overlords. Although you can't say they're all Nazis or Imperialists because that would make you a racist. Allah U Akbar. This is Erin Burnett for CNN. I'm sexier than Katie Tur and just as politically correct. Over and out."

1945: "Germany has conquered the world. Chancellor Hitler accepted the joint surrender from Prime Minister Chamberlain and incoming US President Barack Obama. President Obama took the opportunity to point out that World War Two was in fact caused by the actions of his predecessor President Roosevelt and by the British for having an empire. "President Roosevelt lied, people died," asserted Mr Obama in his most delightful declamatory tones. "Hey Mr Roosevelt, 1915 called. It wants its foreign policy back." Mr Obama received a standing ovation from all the journalists, Nazis and Muslims present for the surrender. We at CNN would like to applaud President Obama's insight on this matter. President Obama finished his surrender speech with a short poem which summed up the feelings of us all:
"See the happy Muslim.
He doesn't give a damn,
I wish I were a Muslim.
My God, perhaps I am.
I mean Nazis."
CNN would like to take this opportunity to welcome our new Muslim overlords. Jihaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad."


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