the heelers data tapes

(The Heelers Diaries has received transcripts of tapes purporting to contain real time recordings of Irish Police Chief Noirin O'Sullivan interrogating herself on suspicion of framing a hero cop for child abuse. The tapes effectively lay to rest public concerns about Noirin O'Sullivan remaining in charge of the police force while she herself is the subject of this investigation.)

Noirin O'Sullivan: "Who did it? Who framed that man for child abuse?"

Noirin O'Sullivan: (Flings herself into interrogation chair.) "It wasn't me guv. Honest."

Noirin O'Sullivan; (Standing up and pacing.) "Where were you on the night of the fourth?"

Noirin O'Sullivan: (Sitting in chair again.) "I swear to god..."

Noirin O'Sullivan: (Circling the chair once more.) "Does the code name Sapphire mean anything to you?"

Noirin O'Sullivan: (Slumping in the chair.) "You'll never take me alive, Copper."

Mr O'Sullivan: (Noirin O'Sullivan's husband who is also a Police Chief and is watching the interrogation from behind a two way mirror.) "Jeez, the Chief is really giving herself the third degree."

(Cue Wick-Wick-Nerdle-Nerdle-Nerdle-Nerrr music from the 'rebels training' segment of Woody Allen's film Bananas, segueing smoothly into the Benny Hill theme, as the camera cuts to Noirin O'Sullivan chasing herself down a Dublin street, and being pursuied in turn by Prime Minister Enda Kenny, his cabinet (an Inigo Jones formalo original)  and twenty thousand tinkers whom Enda Kenny has just deemed an ethnic minority, while the IRA, Cosa Nostra, the Triads and Al Qaeda look on, laughing their holes off, and the end of Ireland as a free country.)