a christmas carol

 

Scene: A leafy university campus somewhere in England. A window flies open.

Richard Dawkins: "You there. Oike. What day is this?"

Passing Oike: "Why sir, this is Christmas day."

Richard Dawkins: "No it isn't. There's no such thing."

Oike: "Oh come now sir. You know there is. It's the celebration of the birth of Jesus. All humanity is celebrating."

Richard Dawkins: "He never existed. And I won't begin to list the errors in your second statement."

Oike: "You wot Guv."

Richard Dawkins: "Christianity is a superstition. God is a superstition. And even if this Jesus did exist, all humanity certainly does not recognise him as their lord or whatever it is. After all, he never taught at Oxford. Nor will you if keep on in this fashion fellow my lad."

Oike: "I'm just a passer by."

Richard Dawkins: "Well straighten up or ship out."

Oike: "But Mr Dawkins, aren't you celebrating?"

Richard Dawkins: "Bah humbug."

Oike: "The most unexpected people feel a secret joy on this day."

Richard Dawkins: "I'd sooner celebrate the birth of the Flying Spaghetti Monster."

Oike: "It's Christmas day Mr Dawkins. The whole world is celebrating. The whole world numbers this year from the year ascribed to his birth. He existed alright. And his church, the Catholic church, founded Oxford and all the great universities of Europe. It was from from his teaching flowed all those foundations and indeed all the riches of human culture, art, literature, music, debate, freedom of speech, the rule of law. the scientific method and anything we might call science itself."

Richard Dawkins: "What sort of passer by are you?"

Oike: "God bless us every one."

Richard Dawkins: "Oh no. I'm trapped in a James Healy set piece with you writing the words for both of us. Oh the humiliation."

Oike: "Surprise. Merry Christmas Mr Dawkins."

Richard Dawkins: "There is a hell."