scenes from a life

 

"James, James, James."

I look up.

A lissom enough woman is running towards me across the carpark.

As she draws level she half turns away and seems to proffer her nethers while indicating said nethers with her elbow.

This is quaint.

Wearily I realise she is not a new romantic subtly propositioning me for sex but is engaging in some form of officially acceptable though no less surrealistic Irish government/World Health Organisation mandated handshake.

The whole world is mad except me.

I exclaim without having recognised her: "Oh don't be so silly."

And I grab her hand and shake it vigorously.

"There," I said. "You've got it now. And you're going to die."

All things considered she was lucky it was her hand I shook.

As it turned out she was some sort of an acquaintance from years ago.

I couldn't really concentrate on whatever she was saying.

"It's been so long... Knew you way back... Never expected..."

The sensation scene was the unselfconscious proffering of the bum because the government says that's how to shake hands.

What came after was an anti climax.

Oo er Missus.

But that bum bit.

Cor blimey.

I nearly passed peacefully out.

For truly I am an optimist.

Anyhoo.

While she talked I tried to be polite but I was pondering the bum moment and then pondering the whole comedy of life unfolding around the world with the ongoing Nazification of our cultures in the guise of a flu virus panic.

Whatever next.

The government says the Delta variant of Covid 19 (ie the flu virus generated by the Chinese Communist Party in a laboratory at Wuhan with financing from Anthony Fauci of the American National Institute of Health and the complicity of the World Health Organisation who covered up the conspiracy from the start and have only belatedly admitted it's real) now necessitates everyone wishing to greet another human being standing on their heads, baring their chests, and saying "Wibble," instead of hello.

Just to be utterly safe.

Also government experts are insisting all citizens should visit graveyards after dark and throw dead cats over their shoulders at midnight while chanting: "Warts follow cat."

You're already safe but only then can you be really, really safe from the flu.

You gotta follow the science.

That is to say: You've got to do what the Frankensteinian idiots who created this virus tell you to do in order to stay what they call "safe" from the virus they created and turned loose on the world.

Hoo baby.

The woman who recognised me from years ago probably notices me glancing fitfully at her bum and departs.

The world is in a state of chassis.

I ponder my next move.

Something has to give.

FORMAL ANNOUCEMENT/Legal Disclaimer

From this day forth, any lissom woman who gallops up to me in a carpark, calling my name breathlessly, as her raven tresses stream gloriously in the wind, and then raises her bum towards me whilst indicating said bum with her elbow, shall receive a pelvic thrust that will knock her into the middle of next week. Yeah baby, yeah.

I'm just saying is all.

The Yeah Baby Yeah codicil should be read aloud in the voice of comedic talent Mike Myers' Austin Powers character.

You've got to sass it.

For legal reasons.

The thought is no sooner enunciated than Chinese President Xi Jinping dressed like Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show appears beside me with his backing group. (The Taliban.)

The Taliban set up their instruments and Xi Jinping begins to perform his greatest hit.

Xi Jinping begins with a talky bit and segues (segoos as my feminist cousin Pauline would call it) into a song:

"It's astounding

The Americans are fleeing

Madness

Takes its toll

But listen closely

Not for very much longer

I've got

To take control.

(singing) I remember

Doing the time warp

Drinking

Those moments when

Chairman Mao killed tens of millions

And the void would be calling

Let's kill tens of millions again.

Let's kill tens of millions again."

President Joe Biden (appearing suddenly): "It's just a jump to the left."

President Donald Trump (appearing ditto): "And a step to the r-i-i-i-ight."

Mr Biden: "You put your hands on your hips."

The Donald: "And bring your knees in ti--i-i-ight."

Xi Jinping: "But it's the pelvic thrust

That really knocks you insa-a-a-a-ane.

Lets do the time warp again.

Lets kill tens of millions again."

(Talking again) "It's so dreamy

Oh fantasy free me

So you can't see me

No, not at all

In another dimension

With voyeuristic intention

Well secluded

I see all.

With a bit of a mind flip

You're into the time slip

And nothing

Can ever be the same.

(singing) You're spaced out on sensation

Like you're under sedation.

Let's do the time warp again.

Let's kill tens of millions again."

When he'd finished singing the new Chinese national anthem and the Taliban had packed up their instruments, I turned towards the camera and said in the quavering ominous voice of Jimmy from the opprobrious television cartoon South Park:

"They are coming."