our television listings

RTE1
(The Irish national fraudcaster.)
3.00 The Bill. Miffley. Bateson. GBH. Cor blimey. I've got you bang up to rights. Sarge. Guvnor. You're nicked toe rag. DOA. DI. DUI. DIY. WHY WHY WHY?
3.30 How Clean Is Your House. Come back Jessica Fletcher, all is forgiven.
4.00 The Afternoon Show. Show me the way to the vomitorium. Oh right. We're already there.
5.45 Nuacht. Read by Dilin O'Deamhas.
6.00 The Angelus. Thirty seconds of bell ringing from the RTE Male Atheists Choir.
6.01 News. Read by the Fembo Commie Pinkos.
7.00 Nationwide. There's no escape. They're everywhere.
7.30 Garda Ar Lar. The word Garda tips you off that this programme will be about the Irish police force. I'll bet you a million pounds it won't be about their corruption though.
8.00 Eastenders. Anissa and James flee to Syria to get married but sparks fly when the Imam recognises James as the writer of this blog.
8.15 Fawlty Towers. The famous episode where a group of Al Qaeda members come to stay at the hotel and Basil keeps making politically incorrect remarks to them. At dinner he announces their order as: "Okay, a prawn Al Zawahiri, a meatball head hacker sandwich, spaghetti Muslim murderers, and an Osama Bin Laden Allah U Akbar Goebbels Himmler stew." There's a serious bit at the end though when Basil screams: "Who won the bloody war?" And the Al Qaeda members reply quietly: "We're winning it."
8.30 Living The Wildlife. Drivel.
9.00 News. The Fembo Commie Pinkos are back and out for blood.
9.35 Pure Mule The Lost Weekend. Nobody on the planet earth cares what this is.
10.45 Blood Of The Irish. Blechhhh.
11.45 News. More indoctrination from the Fembo Commie Pinkos.
11.50 The Late Late Show. Repeat of Friday's programme in which a poor little rich boy from the corrupt kleptocratic Andrews family Fianna Fail political dynasty walks into a presenter's job at RTE that pays a million a year because his cousin has been given the other sinecure the Andrews family clutches to its bosoms to wit the Andrews family's permanent titular seat in the Irish parliament, and by titular you know I don't mean anything to do with titles, I mean the Andrews family are a shower of corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail tits, and here are the rest of us sitting scratching our heads and going: "Hang on. Who's that privileged grinning neo feudal tit breath on the television? How did he get there? Not another corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Failer walking into a television presenter's job surely? This isn't Soviet Russia is it? Is it?"
1.55 Getting Out. (Film Drama, 1993.) Starring Rebecca De Mornay. No one will watch this except Rebecca De Mornay's granny, so I'm not going to review it.


RTE2
(The Irish national fraudcaster's default setting.)
6.00 The Simpsons. Clapped out leftie cartoon from the States which stopped being funny twenty years ago.
6.30 Home And Away. RTE's explores its Australian porn fetish while debauching the teenagers of Ireland.
7.00 The Last Duel. Yawn fest.
8.00 MNS. This is a sports programme, believe it or not. The title letter stand for Mordant Mindnumbing Shite which is also the motto of RTE2.
9.00 Private Practice. Doctor fetish.
9.55 Private Practice. More of RTE's doctor fetish.
10.50 News. With ideological guidelines for those accustomed to thinking for themselves.
11.20 Shortscreen. Don't know. Don't care.
11.30 24. Fantasy programme starring Kiefer Sutherland. Intended for people who prefer to fantasise about the nature of the Al Qaeda threat rather than do anything about it.
12.20 King Of The Hill. It's after midnight and RTE finally decide to risk a cartoon that has occasionally entertaining moments.

1.05 The James Healy Show. Improbable new adversarial interview programme getting its first airing well after midnight or when hell freezes over. This week's guest is Michael Mansfield QC, the British lawyer famous for obtaining get out of jail free cards for members of Al Qaeda. Among the murderers and would be murderers that Michael Mansfield has ensured are free to kill, kill and kill again, are the plotters who tried to poison half of Britain with ricin, and most of the scum who recently sought to down a dozen jet liners over the Atlantic. (Three of em were convicted out of at least twenty operatives known to British Intelligence services.) Mansfield has just released a book about himself entitled Radical Lawyer. I suppose it is a kind of radicalism ensuring that the Islamic Nazis living in our midst are given maximum freedom as they go about their dastardly business plotting and committing mass murder. Yeah, it's fairly radical alright. Hoo boy. Expect Healy to give him a radically unfriendly interview. Mansfield has been to the fore in promoting the innocence of the late Brazilian Al Qaeda agent Jean Charles De Menezes whom Healy has stated was as guilty as sin. Menezes was shot dead by British security agents while engaging in a teaser mission to sow panic among the public after the Al Qaeda train bombings in London a few years ago. Of course Mansfield gives us his word that Menezes wasn't Al Qaeda. So that just about incontrovertibly means he was. It's easy to figure out when you understand the unmitigated treachery of these bstaads. Radical lawyer indeed. Watch out for the bit where Heelers claims that QC stands for Qaeda C********r. Mansfield really looked a bit sick at that stage.

TV3
(The only alternative to RTE available in Ireland. A perpetually loss making television station owned by Canadian scruff who's sole strategy for competing with RTE is to try and out pornographify them. It's really time the Irish government allowed the rest of us to establish our own television stations.)
4.30 Judge Judy. I quite like Judge Judy, particularly when she shouts: "Madam, Madam."
5.30 News. From a tinselly pro abortion atheistic perspective.
6.00 Xpose. Don't ask.
6.30 Friends. I quite like Friends.
7.00 Emmerdale. Duck drool.
7.30 Coronation Street. Wearisome yurghhh.
8.00 Nothing To Declare. I declare this programme is unwatchable.
8.30 Coronation Street. No you're not dreaming. Another episode of Coronation Street on again within half an hour of the last episode. In case the brain dead viewers of TV3 forget they've just seen it.
9.00 More Money Than Sense, How We Blew The Boom. Pretentious TV3 cretins analyse what caused the financial collapse. One thing is sure. They won't tell you the Irish economy collapsed because our corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail government paid extortionate pay rises to corrupt nurses, police officers, teachers, bus drivers and civil servants who have together ensured that the younger generation will live their lives in poverty trying to pay off the debts run up by their Mammys and Daddys. Nor will the programme suggest that the cause of the Irish economic collapse lies with the senior executives of Irish banks who used accountancy tricks to declare billion dollar profits for twenty years and then suddenly went bust overnight when reality kicked in. Went bust having never really made a profit but having paid themselves million dollar salaries every year. Salaries they continue to pay themselves by the way. I'm telling you folks no one in Allied Irish Banks, Bank Of Ireland, Anglo Irish, TSB or the Ulster Bank or any other Irish financial services company, should be earning more than ten thousand Euro a year. And that's if they actually manage to produce a profit. Every small business man knows that if his company isn't generating profits, then the Chief Executive doesn't draw a salary. That's the way the small businesses who are the bedrock of our freedoms operate. The same small businesses who were put out of business by the banks if those small businesses couldn't repay their bank loans. So why have we allowed the banks pay their management huge salaries while the banks have gone bust. Why have we allowed them to operate any differently to the way other businesses operate? Why are the hard men in TSB, Anglo Irish, AIB and Bank Of Ireland entitled to be bailed out after the collapse of their corrupt attempt to corner the property market through a corrupt alliance with corrupt Fianna Fail supporting property developers. Why are we letting them away with this? But you're not going to hear any of this stuff on TV3. Best not to worry about it. Go to sleep while these swines lay waste our country, our culture and our future. There's a meths lab on Malavista. Blah blah. The mayor will have my ass. Blah, blah, blah. Do this by the book. Blah. You young cops and your heroically reckless ways. Blah. On a more serious note, someone recently told me that my advocacy against bankers paying themselves a lifetime's wages for doing no work, meant I'd become a socialist. I replied: "No. The socialism was when our governments gave the banks billions of dollars of our money to cover up the bankers' gambling losses. The socialism was when governments forced the general public to pay for the banks' failed attempt to corruptly corner the property market. The socialism was when we allowed the banks to drag all of us, small businesses and ordinary decent citizens, along with them into recession. The mayor will have my ass blah etc."
10.00 Law And Order Special Victims Unit. Pass the sick bag Alice.
11.00 Nightly News. Oh give us a rest.
11.05 Tonight With Vincent Browne. Ageing Maoist sits in judgement on Christianity to the delight of his seven viewers in the TV3 canteen.