The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, July 05, 2012

black archie

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is in his personal office at the palace.
He is alone except for an aged servant, grey haired, bent and gaunt.
Archie is smiling as he reads the latest adulatory atheistic media reports about his attacks on his fellow Bishops.
"I have won," he gloats. "The Catholic Church is mine. I have labelled them all concealers of child abuse. I have created a presumption of guilt. I have allowed atheistic Marxists to harry aged Bishops into the grave with innuendo and contrived accusations of purely fictional wrongdoing. I... am... God."
"Can anyone stop you now?" wonders his aged retainer.
"No one."
"No one at all my liege?"
"Well there is one. But he's far far away. Hardly worth thinking about. He can't touch me now."
"Who is he my Lord?"
"His name is James of Kilcullen. They call him Heeler the Peeler. He is the bravest and most noble warrior in what's left of Christendom. There are none to match him. But he's a prisoner of the Mussies. He cannot reach me. I have won."
"Does this look anything like James of Kilcullen?"
Archie is startled at the question.
He looks up.
A strange light bathes his ancient servant.
Enchantment is at work.
The servant straightens before Archie's eyes. The servant's hair becomes black and lustrous. A fine macho tache sprouts from beneath his nose. Muscles and sinews are renewed. Power pulses from an Adonis body.
The sort of Adonis you wouldn't casually harass on Dublin's death and violence and rape and heroin addict filled Luas tram system.
He is a warrior.
Again the servant asks, but now with a powerful warrior's voice: "Does this look like James of Kilcullen?"
Archie shakes his head doubtfully and responds: "No, not really, no."
The servant whips off the tache which is a falsie.
Archie's face essays brightness and welcome as he exclaims with ingratiating sheepishness: "Hi Jim."


For the attention of Richard Curtis and Ben Elton, script writers on Blackadder: The only potentially funny bit in the first series of Blackadder was this scene which I have plagiarised for my version from the end of your episode six. When Philip of Burgundy whipped off his tache, instead of having Blackadder exclaim in shock "Philip of Burgundy," I am convinced you should have had him say: "Hi Phil." The idea for this came from Mugs Martin an old school chum who suggested it at the time.


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