cabaret

Spotlight on empty stage.
Enter James Healy from the right and Pope Francis from the left.
They meet in the centre and embrace.
An unseen audience cheers and applauds.
Pope Francis sits at a piano and begins to tinkle the ivories.
(Tickle the ivories surely? - Ed note)
(Tinkle - Heelers note)
(And I thought you said the stage was empty. Now there's a ruddy great piano on it? - Ed note)
(Shu'up - Heelers note)
They begin to sing while the Pope tinkles.

James: "Isn't it rich?"
The Pope: "Ain't we a pair?"
James: "Me trying to label you a satanic leftist infiltrator of the Catholic Church
The Pope:  "You're right on there"
James: "But where are the Muslims?
The Pope: "You always mention Muslims."
James: "You gotta have Muslims..."

Lights come up on a hundred million Afghan, Syrian, Iraqi, Pakistani, Muslim Jihadis and their oppressed wives and drowned children who are massing on our borders, having been shipped there by the IRA, Al Qaeda, Cosa Nostra, the Chinese Triads, and associated drug dealing people trafficking mafias in  order to demand citizenship of our countries..

Muslims: "Don't worry we're here."