The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, October 21, 2011

the satanic rites of the labour party

Scarcely a couple of months since the Irish Labour Party's press supremo Ron R Testicle (Dermot O'Gara surely - Ed note) warned me to cease my non existent attempts to contact any of the grots (Grotesque atheistic abortionists - Ed note) in his office, the collossal boobies of Irish socialism are back in action. That is to say the Labour Party is once more clogging up the in box on my computer with their light hearted comic stylings, sexual inuendos (Chance would be a fine thing - Ed note) and unsought contact details. I think they may live to regret their persecution of me. I have never encouraged these people. For those of you who thrilled to our earlier exchanges, I'm reprinting the latest missives here, and further down, you can read the correspondence from two months ago.

Labour Party to Heelers.
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Labour Party <>
To: press <>
Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2011 18:21:31 +0100 (IST)
Michael D Higgins will tomorrow, Saturday 22nd attend a number of events in
Dublin, Kildare, Laois and Westmeath.
Michael D Higgins will be accompanied on Saturday by Tanaiste and Minister
for Foreign Affairs and Trade, Eamon Gilmore TD.
*10.15 am* - RTE Radio One Presidential debate with Charlie Bird, Helix,
*12.15 pm* - Walkabout on Henry Street with Eamon Gilmore (starting at
GPO). Two of the Three Tenors, David Martin and Morgan Crawley will also
join in on the walkabout.
*1.30 pm* - Accompanied by Emmet Stagg, and Eamon Gilmore, Michael D Higgins
will visit Naas, starting at Tesco Monread and onto the Main Street (weather
*2.45 pm* - Accompanied by Jack Wall and Eamon Gilmore, Michael D Higgins
will visit Athy, and stop by the Shinty Match, Geraldine Park, Athy.
*3.45 pm* - Accompanied by Senator John Whelan and Eamon Gilmore, Michael D
Higgins will visit Portlaoise. Starting at Lyster Square, Michael D will
meet with locals.
*5.15 pm* – Labour Party Councillors, Eamon Gilmore and Michael D Higgins
will visit Athlone.
For further details:
Tony Heffernan 087 2399 508
Nora Maguire 085 737 8075


From Heelers to the Labour Party
Dear Nora.
Ah my lost treacle haired love.
I had thought from recent Labour Party correspondence that you were truly lost to me.
Apparently no such luck.
Love finds a way, eh?
You will remember that after your prior harassment of me, one of your senior Labour Party snurds, whatsisface, presumptious bloke, you know him, I don't know him because he's beneath my social class, but a sort of Mr Smithers of socialism, yes that guy, that's the one, Jack Wall's bumboy, that guy, that anonymous anodyne excresence, you couldn't miss him at a press conference or a Labour Party encounter group, never had an original thought in his life, yeah him, oh, Ron R Testicle, that's it, well that guy (Are you sure that's his name? I really think it's Dermot O'Gara - Ed note) that guy whatever his name is even had the gall to issue a frivolous contrived pseudo legalistic instruction to me that I was to cease what he fallaciously, indeed maliciously, dared to call my attempts to contact YOU.
As if such had ever existed Nora.
The traffic has all been one way.
Hasn't it?
I mean: Hasn't it bitch?
I have spent the past five years responding to your and the Labour Party's repeated emails by telling each and every one one of you to f--k off.
I may once have inadvertently texted you about the possibility of a tumble in the hay after you forced your mobile phone number on me.
Do you remember Nora?
Do you remember how you bounded up the mountain path like a startled atheistic abortionist fawn into the arms of that manly Labour Party press officer Dermot O'Gara (Ron R Testicle surely - Ed note) who promptly and peremptorily and ridiculously and unnecessarily emailed me telling me to leave you alone.
Ah memories.
But we were younger men then Nora darling.
Now listen cee word.
You are a persistent little atheistic abortionist dickens, aren't you?
But listen.
Even a damned dessicated dirty Maoist ape like Michael D Higgins can't be anxious for the sort of publicity, he'll get from me.
Stop contacting me, bitch.
I don't want to hear from you, bitch.
I don't want to hear about the public appearance schedules for your walking corpse of a Presidential candidate Michael D Higgins, bitch.
I don't want to hear from you or any of your fellow atheistic abortionist bitches in the Labour Party about any topic whatsoever.
You're going to have to abort Ireland without my assistance.
For the last time.
Delete my address from your computers you despicable incompetent Marxian pieces of shite.
Respectfully yours,
James Healy
PS: You're starting to annoy me.


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