our television listings

(More from the television listings THEY don't want you to read.)



AL JAZEERA
6.00 Morning Prayers.
10.00 Honey Boom Boom.
11.00 Delia Muhammad Smith's Cookery Programme. Today: How to roast live infidels. (Hint: Delia sets a school on fire while the infidels are still in it.)
12.00 Angelus Agonistes. Live church burning from Nigeria.
1.00 The Imam Waltons. John Boy self detonates in Olsen's Hardware Store.
2.00 Dallas Jihad. Sue Ellen self detonates in Cliff Barnes' apartment.
3.00 Little Mosque On The Prairie. Everyone self detonates.
4.00 The Ayatollah Beheshti Laughter Hour. Few enough laughs.
5.00 The Ayatollah Khomeini Laughter Hour. (cf: Ayatollah Beheshti.)
5.30 The Ayatollah Bifurkate Ya Teshticle Laughter Hour. This guy is good.
6.00 Angelus Agonistes. Church burning live from Syria.
7.00 Love Hate. Romantic chick flick style drama about people traffickers ending western civilisation by flooding Europe with Al Qaeda operatives. Made by the Irish broadcaster RTE on my dime.
8.00 Jihad She Wrote. Jessica Fletcher converts to Islam, realises Cabot Cove is full of infidels, and explodes a suitcase nuke in Sheriff Teasle's office.

9.00 The Watershed. Anyone found watching television after this time will have their ghoulies hacked off with a machete.
10.00 ER. Hospital documentary featuring information on how to live life without your ghoulies.
12.00 Closedown. (For the human race.)