The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, March 30, 2017

dirty heelers

(The Enforcer)
The film opens on a grey day in Dublin.
Dirty Heelers has been summoned to the Commissioner's office.
Chief of Police Noreen O'Sullivan is sitting behind her desk with Pope Francis in an armchair on one side and German Chancellor Angela Merkel and a new Muslim recruit to the Irish police force in a divan on the other.

Noreen O'Sullivan: "Ah Heelers, come in. This is Pope Francis. I think you know him."

Heelers: "Yah."

Noreen O'Sullivan: "And this is the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel,"

Frau Merkel: "I don't want any more trouble like we had last year in the Philmore District. I vant peace and brotherhood for all refugees. Is zat clear?"

Heelers: "Well when Muslim gangs are staging mass rapes all over Europe on New Year's Eve, I shoot the b--------s. That's my policy."

Frau Merkel: "Staging mass rapes? And how did you establish that?"

Heelers: "Well when Muslim gang bangers are gang banging men, women and children, outside Cologne Cathedral and your police officers are turning their backs on them for fear of being called racists, I figure the Muslim gang bangers aren't just collecting for the red cross."

Noreen O'Sullivan: "Er. Sit down Heelers. And stop trying to be Clint Eastwood."

Heelers: (Under his breath) Yah.

Noreen O'Sullivan: "And this is your new partner, Muhammad Al Muhammed Bin Muhammed."

Heelers: "I don't think so. I work alone."

Pope Francis: "Racist Heelers?"

Heelers: "When I'm out on the streets facing down Jihadis, I don't want a partner who may have doubts about whose side he's on. When there's a refuse truck mowing down citizens on Grafton Street, I'm not going to have time to save a rookie's ass."

Officer Muhammed: "It's my ass."

Heelers: "Yes but it's my country and my countrymen. And since Pope Francis here and the Chancellor of Germany have decided to allow millions of your fellow Muslims into Europe overnight without consulting with the people who already live here, we're seeing mass casualty terrorism break out in all our countries. And that's a hell of a price to pay for being stylish."

Noreen O'Sullivan: "There have been no mass casualty Jihad attacks in Ireland. No refuse trucks on Grafton Street. You really shouldn't make such generalised statements. Why only this week Justice Minister Frances Fitzgerald noted that Ireland has so far escaped mass casualty vehicular attacks."

Heelers: "Well the Jihadis aren't exactly stupid. They don't need to claim every terrorist act. If they did that we might just get together and throw them back to Arabia. Often they can create more terror by not claiming their attacks or even by paying someone else to stage them. But here's a few more generalised statements for your collection. On 18th October 2001 at 2.55 pm in the afternoon, barely four weeks after Nine Eleven, a Nigerian calling himself Jacob Odubajo rammed his car into crowds of people on a pedestrianised street called Henry Street in Dublin. He put ten people in hospital, two with serious injuries. He didn't admit to being in Al Qaeda though. On February 21st 2004, Kenneth Henvey drove a bus into a crowd of people on the pavement at Wellington Quay Dublin, killing five of them. The people he killed were Kevin Garry, Kathleen Gilton, Margaret Traynor, Teresa Keatley, and Vasyl Tyminsky. Kenneth Henvey never claimed to be in Al Qaeda either. He claimed a mysterious power surge in the bus's engine made him drive onto the pavement and obliterate those people. A court of clowns accepted this. On 7th May 2006, Peter Clarke rammed his bus into dozens of cars in a ten mile odyssey of destruction along the Naas Road outside Dublin, along the way murdering 62 year old Marie Buckley who didn't manage to escape from her car before he rammed it. Peter Clarke never claimed to be in Al Qaeda. He claimed to be schizophrenic. He threatened the arresting officers with an axe and a knife. Ring any bells? Lots of axes and knives showing up in vehicular Jihad around Europe. Lots of claims to be schizophrenic. The Jihadis are probing us. They're learning what we'll tolerate. On the afternoon of 16th of September 2009, a Luas Tram driver who calls himself Oriyomi Emmanuel used his Luas Tram to ram a bus on O'Connell Street Dublin injuring 20 people, three seriously. Surprise, surprise, he did not claim to be in Al Qaeda. At 11am on the morning of 28th October 2016 a still publicly unidentified bus driver rammed his bus into a Luas Tram at Smithfield in Dublin putting eight people in hospital. Of course the bus driver did not claim to be in Al Qaeda. What do you think he was? Who was he working for? Who are any of them working for? And Ireland's Justice Minister Frances Fitzgerald is telling people this week that Ireland has escaped mass casualty Jihadi vehicular terrorism. I don't think we have. Stop me if I'm getting too generalised for ya."

Noreen O'Sullivan: "That will be quite enough of that racist talk. Have you any questions for your new partner?"

Heelers: "Who are you working for?"

Noreen O'Sullivan: "Heelers, that's enough!"

Heelers: "Questions. Questions. Alright. What is your best misdemeanour arrest?"

Officer Muhammed: "I've never made a misdemeanour arrest."

Heelers: "Where have you been working?"

Officer Muhammed: "With Amnesty International."

Heelers: "----ing hell."

Noreen O'Sullivan: "Heelers."

Heelers: "Alright. A question. Here's a question. Imagine you discover Pope Francis here propositioning Chancellor Merkel."

Noreen O'Sullivan: "Heelers!"

Pope Francis: "This is outrageous. I have never in my life... Well hardly ever."

Frau Merkel: "I have. Once."

Heelers: "Pope Francis says he can lay on a real sweet dog and pony show for the Chancellor, collapsing immigration law by visiting refugee centres and urging the listless Italian mafia State to let em all in. Chancellor Merkel seems to like the idea and declares that anyone claiming to be a refugee can have citizenship in Germany and therefore in all the countries of the European Union. Now what law is being broken? Aside from cruelty to animals and really ----ing me off."

Officer Muhammed: "Both the Pope and the Chancellor are betraying Europe and the Free World, and instituting a new Dark Ages for humanity."

Monday, March 27, 2017

when the joke needs an explanation it is not a good joke

If Heelers Was An Advertising Executive...

We see a rather attractive girl strolling down a Dublin street.
She's not film star gorgeous but more natural and somehow more entrancing.
She's got a certain je ne sais le foutre.
She's a bit like Ridey MacRide the Ride from the Cafe Noto near Stephens Green.
A man rushes up.
His name is Roger.
He's a bit like me.
He sees the girl, struggles briefly with a bout of heterosexual panic, then hangs a right over to an ancient lady flower seller who is lurking atmospherically at the edge of the street.
The flower seller says in rich Dublinese: "Do ye want flowers Luv?"
The man suppresses the urge to say: "No, I want brain surgery you ----ing Dublin ----."
Instead he bumbles a yes, bumbles for money, and bumbles away girlwards with the flowers.
He thrusts the flowers at her.
She laughs adorably.
A coolo British voice ejaculates smoothly from nowhere:
"When a man you've met many times before suddenly buys you flowers, that's F---ing Stupid. She's wearing F---ing Stupid and everybody loves her. F---ing Stupid, the new all over body spray from Snurdlebaums."


Explanation for the joke: The joke is based on an old ad for Impulse body spray which had the tag line - When a man you've never met before suddenly buys you flowers, that's Impulse. When viewed in this context it is actually quite funny. The above ad for F---ing Stupid is also interesting in that it contains an improbable number of euphemisms for gdoinking.