The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, September 05, 2019

lacrimae sunt rerum et mentem mortalia tangunt

timpanies of midnight
lassoo me awake

draw my eye to the window
where moonlight gladdens the garden

straining branches declaim valorous idylls
myths legends such like

about cats highwaymen renegades treasure chests
hero priests sword fighting fools loco pirates eloping lovers

but mostly about cats
a floor board creaks

entranced enough for one night
i go back to sleep

Wednesday, September 04, 2019

De Ploribus Unum

(inside the Trump presidency by a source close the president... himself)

International affairs are going to pieces.
Women just won't date me.
There's no trust anymore.
The world is full of haters.
People are being negatively influenced in their image of me by the television programme Saturday Night Live.
Someone should tell Alec Baldwin not to sneer directly at me so much when he's portraying me.
Hate isn't humorous Alec.
Even Mel Brooks when he had LSD DuBois portraying Hitler in The Producers didn't have the character constantly interrupt the comedy with asides to remind the audience that they're supposed to hate this guy.
Very unsubtle by Alec Baldwin.
He's not been looking too good lately either.
Maybe God is punishing him for making fun of me.
I think he's the reverse of Dorian Grey.
There's a really good looking painting of Alec Baldwin in the attic of the Baldwin mansion. And that painting is getting better looking every day.
The Domestic situation is nearly as convoluted as the international one.
My wife just forced me to fire a really good staffer.
Splendid legs, seductive voice, eyes that undress you.
A really great professional.
And she's gone.
And my daughter Tiffany has forced me to fire my personal assistant.
A really good personal assistant.
Bit heavy on the make up but otherwise really, really good.
I don't know where it will all end.
I need a hug.
Where's my new personal assistant?

Tuesday, September 03, 2019

history paper two

The Second World War.

1. In Where Eagles Dare what was the name of the castle that the Allied agents infiltrated?

2. What captured Allied General, privy to plans for the D Day landings, did Clint and Richard Burton try to rescue from the Schloss Adler?

3. Which Division of the German army was based at the Schloss Adler? Was it:
(a) The 12th Kelloggs Kornflakes Hohenzucker Division.
(b) The 12th Rice Crispies Begleit.
(c) The 12th Alpen Korps.

4. When Clint and Richard had made contact with General Carnaby at the Castle, what was revealed to be his true identity?

5. Whom did Richard impersonate in the Kraut boozer in order to get free drinks?

6. Did Himmler really have a brother?

7. Why hadn't the Germans established through torture that the man they thought was General Carnaby was in fact his doppelganger, an actor called Cartwright Jones?

8. Why did the Nazis never torture on weekends and how could Richard know this?

9. In the sensation scene does Clint say:
(a) Go ahead, make my day.
(b) I know what you're thinking Punk.
(c) Such ingratitude for all the times I've saved your life.
(d) Apologise to my mule.
(e) Major, if I live to be a hundred.

10. Why did all the unknown actors in Richard and Clint's commando platoon not realise they were definitely going to die before the end of the movie?

11. What is a doppelganger? Explain the importance of doppelgangers to the outcome of World War Two films.

closing scene from where eagles dare

(Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood have just rescued General Carneby from the Schloss Adler, in the process more or less single handedly wiping out the German army's 12th SS Alpen Corps. Afterwards the reconstituted Alpen Corps will switch to Cornflakes and thereby become much more difficult to outwit in daring two man commando operations. The name Cornflakes Corps will also prove effective in lulling the Britishers into a false sense of breakfast. But we only learn this in the sequel. Having rescued General Carneby, Richard and Clint make a rendezvous with an allied plane and are flying home over Occupied France. The French are occupied as usual winning the World Cup, obsessing about their fashion sense, electing coffee shop boulevardiers as President, and giving citizenship to Jihadis. France is not actually under occupation. Unless you count the Jihadis. Which some of you still don't. Yet. Also in the plane are Mary Ure and another good looking actress from the 1960's. Birgitta something. No. Not Birgitta. Mary Ure and, and, and what? Mary Something Else? Ah this will really drive me mad.  Our heroes are sitting grimly in the cargo hold of the rescue plane. Colonel Fortescue has flown with the plane to meet them.)

Richard Burton: "There's one other thing Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Oh yes?"

Richard: "When I showed SS Colonel Kramer the name in my notebook which I pretended was the top German agent in London, he accepted it without hesitation."

Colonel Fortescue: "And whose name was that Major?"

Richard: "Yours Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Oh Focque."

Richard: "This whole operation was in fact staged just to unmask you."

Colonel Fortescue: "Double Focque."

Richard: "And your machine gun is loaded with blanks."

Colonel Fortescue: "Treble Focque. That's really the last straw. I knew I should have stayed home from work today."

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Look, I can explain."

Richard: "Give it up Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "No really. Listen. Funny story really. I've got a pen friend in the Gestapo. We've been in touch since childhood. All thoroughly above board."

Richard: "You're finished Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Have I got a choice?"

Richard: "If you want it."

Colonel Fortescue: "Thank you Major. The thought of a trial. The exposure. The shame."

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "You like saying Yes Colonel with that strange almost Shakespearian significance, don't you?"

Richard: "Yes Colonel. It's called acting."

Colonel Fortescue: "Well I'll be on my way." (Moves to the cargo bay door, lifts a parachute from the bench.)

Richard: "Ah ah. Leave that."

Colonel F: "Oh. Oh. Oh, so when you said I had a choice you meant I can jump out of the plane without a parachute.

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Thanks a ******* bunch."

Richard: "You're welcome Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Can I please take a parachute?"

Richard: "No Colonel."

(Colonel F jumps from the plane. Clint closes the door. One of the good looking actresses goes to cuddle Richard. I think it's Mary Ure. No it was the other one. Richard would never have cuddled Mary Ure because of the louche vampire films.)

Clint: (Drily.) "The sooner I make Dirty Harry the better."

Ingrid Pitt: "Actually it was me in the louche vampire films. Mary Ure was quite a serious actress. And it was Mary Ure that Richard cuddled."

FX: (Coolo music kicks in.) "Tukka tukka tuk. Tukka, tukka, tuk. Ner ner ner, ner ner ner nerdle ner. Ner ner ner nerdle ner. Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner, Tukka tuk, etc etc."

Monday, September 02, 2019

history paper one

Candidates must attempt all questions.

1. Was Samuel Johnson a bollocks? Say why.

2. Give five reasons why you disagree with Einstein's theory of relativity.

3. Was Patrick Pearse on amphetamines or ludes during the 1916 Rising?

4. Saint Brigid was Ireland's first fembo commie pinko. Discuss.

5. Treat sympathetically of the incarceration of Lord Edward Fitzgerald. No laughing.

6. Who said: "I go to tell the Irish peasant that if he wishes to see his interests represented in the English parliament, he must trust to his own devices," and which particular peasant had he in mind?

7. "Eat The Peach" was the worst film ever. Can you name another really awful film produced in Ireland? Anything starring Liam Neeson and all Neil Jordan films are excluded as being too easy.

8. The penal laws had nothing to do with penises. True or false?

9. In the last twenty years the IRA has killed more Irish people through the drug trade, murders, intimidation and induced suicide than the British Empire did in 800 years. What is the solution to IRA mafia activity and the ongoing direct liaison between the IRA, Chinese Triads, Al Qaeda, Isis, the Muslim Brotherhood, Cosa Nostra, the Zetas, MS 13, the Russian mob, Nigerian devil worship rings, Freemasons, et al. (Particularly Al. I hate him.)

10. What's it all about?

Sunday, September 01, 2019

mystical healing

Braithwaite had brought his squalling kids to the chateau.
He had the impression that I had a capacity to heal.
I had warned him not to come expecting miracles.
The little family were in my kitchen.
My light hearted comic capering had so far singularly failed to engage anyone present.
There's one mystic truth I know.
They never going to buy into my You Can Choose To Be Well routine if they don't first buy into my James' Jokes Are Funny routine.
Time to bring out the big guns.
Gently I placed Fur Ham on the table.
He's a professionally cute hamster.
One of the little girls tugged her mother's arm.
"Mom I want a burgher."
The other little shite didn't even look at the hamster.
I endeavoured to keep my rubber faced features from showing too much emotion.
It is contraindicated at every level for anyone people think is a healer to get really annoyed with those towards whom he's supposed to be radiating light, grace and hope.
I was thinking to myself somewhat ruefully: If Fur Ham can't reach these little shites, I got nothing.
This was humbling.
For me and for Fur Ham.
Face it, I reminded myself, animals aren't for everyone.
No one is at fault here.
Different aspects of the creation work miracles for different people.
For some children, animals can open doors to liberty, peace, tenderness, fulfillment and joy..
On the other hand some of the little shites have no interest in animals at all.
The trick is not to get angry.
Or frustrated.
Or impatient.
It is also probably not a great idea to habitually refer to those whom you're supposedly trying to heal as "The little shites."
Ah gentle travellers of the internet.
All my life I've wanted to be a healer.
What fun it would be to go around healing people instead of really irritating them.
And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.