The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, June 07, 2014

the local yokel

Ooh arrh. Kilcullen is looking fine in this warm Spring weather. To be sure. To be sure. Ooh arrh. Ooh arrh. The gentleness of the season lifts the hearts of all and sundry. The new leaves rustling on the trees and the glorious splash of sunshine on the paves leave the dourest among us full of the joys. Oooh arrh. From young to old with a small detour via middle age, every generation wears a smile. Sometimes it is more than I can manage to resist singing Zippedeedoodah out my oooh arhhh. Truly none of us are unaffected by this mellow climate. Even the drug dealers are only dealing their milder poisons to the teens and pre teens. The murderous Dublin crime barons are rescheduling their rapes and murders for a few weeks down the line. The young thugs carrying out what they romantically style punishment beatings in the Valley almost seem to be pulling their punches a little. The peacefulness and tranquility of the burgeoning Spring in Kilcullen are kissed with a savour of paradise. One almost expects to hear the Choric Song of the Lotos Eaters ring out on the evening air above the hideous screams and drunken shrieks of ganglands' favourite sons. Oooh arrh ooh arrh. Interestingly enough Kilcullen continues to buck the trend nationwide for collapsing property prices. Our quiet little backwater has become much sought after among the more salubrious members of the Audi A4 gang. In fact, real estate brochures now advertise Kilcullen as THE NEW MOYROSS - EVERYTHING A RETIRING GANGSTER AND NOT SO RETIRING GANGSTER COULD NEED. Turning our town into a gangster enclave like Moyross in Limerick City is surely a touch of genius by the powers that be in these harsh recessionary times. How better to ensure a prosperous future for our sons and daughters than to hand over our town to the scum of the earth. You gotta invest in the growth industries and that means rape, murder, drug dealing, people trafficking and blue movies. Ooh arrh. Thankfully amid the chaos of a country going down the tubes, Kilcullen people can sleep easy in their beds with only the occasional good natured dollop of psychoticised mayhem to break the monotony of these our salad days. Sure sometimes you'd almost feel like thanking the criminal classes for helping vary the monotony of this blooming sunshine. Thankfully too our heroes of law enforcement labour selflessly to ensure that most of us live lives of carefree bliss. No bent coppers here. You could amost kiss them they're so honest. Although I'm reliably informed that some welcome such approaches more than others. Oooooooh arrrhhh Missus. Of course Kilcullen people have been thrilled and not a little flattered by the announcement that TV detectives Jessica Fletcher, Colombo, Barnaby Jones and Joe Mannix have all bought retirement homes in the area. It's not just gangsters who appreciate the chance to retire to a quiet village after a lifetime laying waste the city of Dublin. Oooh arrh ooh arrh. But what's the betting that before long Jessica, Colombo, Barnaby, and Mannix won't be able to resist turning their hands to solving a few crimes while they're here, just to keep their eye in so to speak. That should put the cat among the pigeons. I mean hoodlums. Ooh arrh indeed.

mirrior in june

Sitting in the oratory at Naas hospital for a prayer session. Me and the various holy Joe's n Josephine's are oolagohning the Almighty to beat the band. After an hour we tiddle respectfully into the corridor. "What time is mass here?" I ask a fellow oolagohner. She shakes her head. "The Eastern Health Board does not allow mass to be said anywhere in Naas hospital," she tells me. I am nollprossed. Has it come to this. Yes I had noticed that the oratory contained a few new age and oriental symbols. And I had noticed that though the Bible is present, it is studiously kept off the lectern. A few weeks previously I had even taken to placing the Bible on the lectern when I would arrive in the oratory. The following day I would find it had been removed and a more groovy new age style thought for the day book left in its place. This musical chairs with the Bible and the new age book continued for a few days until I got bored and actually started praying. To be fair, the oratory does contain the blessed sacrament in a reserved tabernacle. It's just you're not allowed place the Bible on the lectern or say mass apparently. As me and the Holy Joe's exited we passed the Muslim prayer room which has been provided recently to cater for Muslim staff and patients at the hospital. I wondered briefly had the Eastern Health Board placed any limitations on the rituals that Muslims perform there. I also wondered had the Eastern Health Board dared compel the Muslims to share their prayer room with other faith traditions. No. That sort of treatment is reserved for Catholics. The enigmas endure.

poem and parody

by Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.


by James Healy

i think that i shall never see
a poem lovely as an irish parliamentary TD

a TD whose hungry mouth is pressed
against the department of finance's sweet flowing breast

a TD that looks at God all day
and forces schools to teach diluted relativistic marxian nonsense in place of religion anyway

a TD that may in summer wear
a nest of travelling expenses, personal bonuses and pension entitlements in his hair

upon whose bosom drug dealers and people traffickers have a laugh at ya
a TD who intimately lives with the mafia

a TD whose friends are kleptocratic media skanks
and who likes nothing better than to loot the treasury to bail out gangster banks

poems are made by fools like me
but only satan can make an irish parliamentary TD

Friday, June 06, 2014

nobody shouted 'f--- off you dirty nazi commie muslim russian b-ll-x' (i shouted it once but i think i got away with it)

Vladimir Putin sat plush bottomed and smiling on the high dais at Normandy.
He had come to join the leaders of the Free World for a ceremony in memory of the D-Day landings.
The leaders of Britain, France and America had let him come.
They let him come even though Vladmir Putin has just detached Crimea from Ukraine in a manoeuvre identical to Hitler's use of a Sudeten German minority to dismantle Czechoslovakia back in 1939 right at the beginning of that whack job we now call World War Two.
Vladmir Putin's annexation of Ukraine is continuing as we speak with Russian irregulars recruited from Belarus and Chechnya being used along with Putin's own Spetznatz commandos to create the illusion of a genuine separatist movement in Eastern Ukraine.
While we speak.
And Barack, and Francois, and Dave, have just let Putin park his arse at their ceremony in memory of of the men and women who liberated Europe.
Talk about insulting our glorious dead.
Never mind the living.

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

jess sees cattle for the first time

Monday, June 02, 2014

the muslim terror war against humanity

(This Week In The Jihad...)

1. Muslims in Northern Nigeria killed upwards of forty people in bomb attacks.

2. Muslims in Northern Nigeria continue to torture and rape the 200 schoolgirls they have kidnapped. President Barack Obama has sent the military equivalent of Oprah Winfrey to negotiate their release. Barack's lead negotiator was quoted as saying: "I'm gonna find out who the main players are and see what they want." Innocent fellow. They want to rape and kill Nigerian schoolgirls. Which is precisely what they are doing right this moment. I've been humbly suggesting we send the Delta Force to Nigeria and that we let them take the gloves off with these peaceloving schoolgirl raping devotees of the Prophet Muhammad. All the hand wringers who keep whining about those girls need to advise Barack likewise or shut the f--- up.

3. Police have finally released a picture of the Muslim Al Qaeda psycho killer who murdered three people at a Jewish museum in Belgium. His family and relatives continue to live free in France and Belgium while media reports of his murders continue to avoid any mention of Al Qaeda, Muslims, the Prophet Muhammed, the peace loving religion of Islam, Muslim bigotry, Muslim mass murder, Muslim terror armies, or anything else to do with the nitty gritty of his crimes against humanity. Incidentally he filmed his murders in a manner similar to the Al Qaeda Muslim psycho killer from Toulouse who murdered three Jewish schoolgirls and a rabbi, and earlier three French soldiers, and filmed himself committing the schoolgirl murders back in 2012, and whose family also retain citizenship of France and showboating rights on European television news shows. The father of the Toulouse Al Qaeda murderer of schoolgirls is suing the French government for not capturing Junior alive. I kid you not.

4. President Barack Obama has this evening (Sunday) released five Muslim psycho killer Al Qaeda terrorists from Guantanamo Bay prison. President Obama released the mass murdering top ranking Al Qaeda Muslims in an exchange deal with Al Qaeda's Taliban franchise in Afghanistan. The Taliban in return have released an American soldier called Bowe Something. It has never been explained how Bowe Something wandered outside of the security perimetre on his base in absolute contravention of orders, and gave himself up to the Al Qaeda terror army which threatens the world. It has never been explained why Al Qaeda treated him so well for five years. The preponderance of probability is that Bowe Something deliberately allowed himself to be captured in Afghanistan by the Taliban because Bowe Something is himself a Muslim Al Qaeda agent ie a traitor. You couldn't make it up.

5. The army in Thailand has once more ousted the elected government of Thailand. A significant number of senior Thai army officers are Muslim. During the last coup eight years ago, a Muslim general seized overall control of the country without his religion or ethnicity seeming relevant enough to mention on Sky News or CNN or the BBC. Nor are there any reports this time regarding the religious affiliation of the General at the top. But it's the same legitimately elected political party that is being ousted, ie the party that has won four elections outright in a row. A Muslim Jihad against Southern Thailand is also continuing apace.

6. The Irish Police Force has announced that the leading importers of Cannabis to Ireland are Moroccan gangs. That's a quick leap up the food chain for Al Qaeda which ten years ago didn't rank in the top ten among mafia murder gangs operating in Ireland.

7. The Muslim Al Qaeda attempt to hack their way to power in the Central African Republic and the Christian backlash against this Muslim enslavement of their country, continues to feature in Western Media reports purely as though evil Christians had heartlessly turned on their peaceful Muslim neighbours without any provocation whatsoever. The full story of how last year Muslims quite literally hacked their way into control of the Christian majority country using an Al Qaeda army of machete wielding psychos, continues to go unreported. The Christian fightback is still being falsely presented in Western News reportage as religious based violence. Here is the news. Muslims hacked their way to power in Central African Republic. They bereaved every family in the land. And what does the UN do? The UN sends UN peacekeepers from Muslim dominated countries to patrol the Central African Republic and the UN peacekeepers promptly go on a rampage of murder hunting down and shooting Christians wherever they can find them. Do you think I'm making this up liberals?

8. Sky News delicately reports the discovery that a Muslim billionaire bribed the International Football Federation to hold the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. It is a delicate matter for Sky News because Sky's sole revenue stream comes from advertisements for Qatar Airlines placed  with it by the Royal Family of Qatar. This is the same royal family of Qatar who own the Al Qaeda Nazi television station Al Jazeera. By the way, if it's any consolation to you, before the delicate flowers of the Interational Football Federation sold their souls to Al Qaeda (apparently they got a million quid each and a free Quran arf arf), they had already sold out to the resovietising Russian President Vladimir Putin with the 2018 World Cup due to be held on the ashes of Ukraine and Eastern Europe. I'm still not making any of this up.

9. A grand total of no countries announced the closure of their embassies to Sudan after Sudan announced it was executing a woman for the crime of converting to Christianity. I gotta tell ya folks. If we let them away with it, they are going to keep doing it.

10. Still no word on the missing Malaysian airliner. The one that disappeared off the radar four months ago. Here is the news. It was Jihad. It was Al Qaeda Those people are dead. The pilot's family should be arrested and interrogated (by the Americans, not by the Jihadi Al Qaeda loving Muslim government of Malaysia) in such a way that they will tell us what they did to those 300 human beings. (Hint: they killed them.)

11. A mysterious spate of train derailments over the past year in Canada, the United States (yeah Jihadis, I noticed), Spain and France still remain unexplained. American investigators are rather pathetically insisting they believe driver fatigue has something to do with it. I suppose I'd better help them out. It was Jihad. It was Al Qaeda. The Jihadis are back in the train derailing business. Now get up off your fat arses and do something about it.

12. Maisie Baines of Kilcullen this week excoriated James Healy for his lack of sympathy with the 200 schoolgirls kidnapped in Nigeria. (The ones currently being raped to death by classy beaux from Al Qaeda's newest Army Of Lovers, styled Boko Haram.) Having up to now actually grown quite accustomed to being excoriated for highlighting victims of Muslim terror, for a moment James was too moved to speak. It seemed strangely ironic to him that he could be excoriated by hand wringers for lack of sympathy with victims of the peaceloving religion of Islam. Life indeed has many strange ironies. After checking his own pulse to see if he'd passed over to the other side, James responded thusly: "My sympathy with the Nigerian schoolgirls is of a very practical bent. It does not involve wasting words or fake emotions. Any one who is listening to me, knows that there is a Muslim terror army engaged in all out warfare with humanity. I don't say it for fun or because it wins me friends among the mafia groupings who are taking power in towns and villages all over Ireland including my own, using networks of established local drug hoodlums and corrupt local police officers. Any who is listening to me, knows that the only hope for those 200 schoolgirls is if the Delta Force and the SAS go into that jungle and terminate the Al Qaeda rape gang that has taken them. And anyone who is listening to me knows that the only hope for any of our countries, I mean the ones I still insist on calling the Free World, is if people wake up, stand up, organise and unite to put an end to Jihadis and their people trafficking drug dealing mafia allies forever."

13. Muslim Jihad against Russia... ongoing.

14. Muslim Jihad against India... ongoing.

15. Muslim Jihad against the Philippines... ongoing.

16. Muslim Jihad against China... ongoing.

17. Muslim Jihad against any Jewish people living in Europe... ongoing.

18. Muslim Jihad against Kenya, Ethiopia and the rest of Africa... ongoing.

19 Muslim Jihad against the rest of us... ongoing.

20. Readership of the Heelers Diaries in Iraq and Saudi Arabia has spiked.

21. All this in one week.

22. Do you think I'm making any of it up?